Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A man goes to the doctor. He said, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."

The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that Mr Jones?"

"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."

"I shouldn't worry about that," replied the doctor. "Those are just side effects."

[Raistlin]

Sometimes I drink Coke and I'm happy, other times I'm sad.

I think I'm bi-cola.

[Raistlin]

I saw a study that said "One out of every ten people are gay"

I've had sex with ten people.

That really weirds me out, because statistically, that means that one of those blokes was probably gay.

[Raistlin]

If Yaya Touré wants his birthday remembered, then he should move to Liverpool. They never forget a date...

Unless it's Heysel

[Raistlin]

First the kidnapping of the Nigerian girls, now bombing in Nigeria.

Anyone else thinks that their president Goodluck Jonathan might be inappropriately named?

[Raistlin]

BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United have quietly cancelled Marouane Fellaini's birthday celebrations and crossed their fingers..

[Raistlin]

My Swedish blow up doll arrived today.

Apparently it needs a screw.

[Raistlin]

Roy Hodgson and the England squad are currently in Portugal,trying to acclimatise before their first game at the World cup, which will be held in the jungle.

It shouldn't be a problem said Roy as half of his players where born in there!

[Raistlin]

Three days after my friends wife died I told him that I'd slept with her

"Why did you wait so long to tell me?" he asked

I replied with a puzzled expression, "I didn't wait..."

[Raistlin]

Tune. Tune. Tune. Tune.

Just thought I would try my hand at four tune telling.

[Raistlin]

eBay has said that the recent security breach has not resulted in any unauthorised activity for its users. That's a relief. I just made a killing selling all my listed goods to some mug in Africa.

All he needs is for me to confirm my mother's maiden name and I'm off to Benidorm!

[Raistlin]

The weather and your wife have a lot in common

They're always wet

[Raistlin]

I've just stuck a tenner on Prince Charles dying of radiation poisoning within the next month.

[Raistlin]

BREAKING NEWS: Suarez to be sat by the pool during the World Cup.

Not the kind of diving he was expecting to do this summer.

[Raistlin]

What do you call 22 people sitting around a TV watching the World Cup Final?

The England World Cup Squad.

[Raistlin]

David Moyes is being investigated over an allegation he assaulted a man in a wine bar.

To people think he's not ready for the Celtic job...

[Raistlin]

I once used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket.

I flashed them at the policeman and he walked off in disgust saying, "Jesus, you need to go on a diet mate."

[Raistlin]

Scientists have found that married couples share similar DNA.

Hardly surprising, I've been topping the wife up with mine since our wedding night.

[Raistlin]

I recently won a two minute trolley dash around Waitrose.

When I'd finished, the staff told me I could've taken stuff off the shelves on my way round, but I still had fun.

[Raistlin]

I must say I was disappointed with the British Soap Awards... Over two hours and not one award for Dove, Lifebuoy or even Imperial Leather...

[Raistlin]

If Elliot Rodger hadn't got himself killed during the shooting spree,

He would have ended up in jail finally fulfilling his dream to lose his virginity.

[Raistlin]

ITV has announced that Katie Price will become the first person ever to appear in I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here twice and all over the country the sound of no one giving a shit has broken out.

[Raistlin]

As a Lib Dem MEP I have been asked many questions over the years working in Europe.

Now the only question I'm asked is:

Have you done any work paid or unpaid since you last signed on?

[Raistlin]

Selling Bourbon Biscuits for 49p a pack?

That's ASDA Price.

Selling Plastic Fire Trucks

That's Fisher Price

Selling pathetic rape claim stories to newspapers?

That's Katie Price.

[Raistlin]

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has said his party is making enormous steps towards government.

An unknown Polish company based in London has just been given the contract to build them.