Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I contacted Emma Watson on Facebook and said she could have her way with me anytime she wants.
It'll never happen, but I have to let her dream

[Raistlin]

I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"

He answered, "I don't know."

I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."

[Raistlin]

France has passed new legislation that makes it illegal to work after 6 p.m.

They're hoping to encourage workers to spend more time washing and showering.....

[Raistlin]

I've just read that well over half the UK electorate think Nigel Farage is an old-fashioned racist.

Which explains why UKIP did so well in the Euro elections.

[Raistlin]

Nick Clegg has given an emotional interview in which he insisted it had not crossed his mind to resign indeed there was every reason to celebrate.

In fact he said that he and the other Lib Dems were going to have a small party

[Raistlin]

According to the BBC teenagers are responsible for more crashes than anyone else.

Sounds about right, I nearly wrote my car off checking out a 15 year old girl this morning

[Raistlin]

I opened up a can of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win".

I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed

[Raistlin]

If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of 4 girls on Instagram, and then comment "You three look great!"

Wait and grab Popcorn....

[Raistlin]

This girl on the bus was talking very loudly into the mobile glued to her ear.

"Excuse me," I said. "The whole bus doesn't want to hear your conversation."

"Chill out man," she replied. "I is jus' rappin' wiv me bro innit?"

I felt really guilty. If I'd known she had learning difficulties I wouldn't have mentioned it.

[Raistlin]

I was ecstatic when I heard that One Direction's Zayn and Louis were seen getting stoned.

Then I got really upset when I realised they were just caught smoking drugs.

[Raistlin]

Google are to build the first self-driving cars with the only controls being an on/off button.

It might also be handy to include some way of telling them your intended destination

[Raistlin]

Those scientists proclaiming graphene to be the thinnest black material ever developed have obviously never bought Aldi value bin liners.

[Raistlin]

Wife: My gynaecologist told me that I can't have sex for 2 weeks.

Me: Oh yeah, what did your dentist say?

[Raistlin]

A policeman pulled me over last night.

He said, "You've got no tax, your rear tyre is completely flat, you've got a can of lager in your hand and you're not wearing a seatbelt!"

I said, "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

I said, "Hang on a minute pal, I'm on the phone."

[Raistlin]

Not believing all the negative rubbish written about Katie Price and, wanting to show that someone appreciated her, I sent her one of those scented candles for her birthday.

She sent it back saying it made her fanny itch.

[Raistlin]

Scientists proclaiming graphene to be the thinnest black material have never seen Stephen K. Amos' stand up comedy routine.

[Raistlin]

I've just drunk a litre of vodka and smoked 4 spliffs'.

I still can't crack one off to Jordan.

[Raistlin]

Which type of tyre is the least impressive?

The Michael McIntyre.

[Raistlin]

I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night.

"This is my dad Roger," I said, "And this is my twin brother Dave."

"Nice to meet you," she smiled, "Who's the oldest?"

I said, "My dad."

[Raistlin]

Katie Price has been cast in the lead role of a remake of a recent Hollywood blockbuster.

12 Years A Slag will be coming to cinemas soon.

[Raistlin]

I've been studying properties in Manchester for weeks now, looking for just the right place to get on the ladder.

And at last, I've found the perfect house. The bathroom window is open and the owner is on holiday.

[Raistlin]

A little girl is lost in Asda and runs crying to the security guard.

"What's your mummy like ?" he asks.

"Vodka and big cocks " she replies

[Raistlin]

On average, British couples have sex 2-3 times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex only 1-3 times a month.

This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Japanese.....

[Raistlin]

Benefit office, magistrates, bookies, pub, Greggs, Anfield...

Scouse driver of a Google car adding to favourites.

[Raistlin]

I was asked during a job interview, "Do you consider yourself as non racist Dave?"

"Absolutely." I replied.

"Good," he said, "..and how do you find black people?"

As it turned out, 'Guilty' was not the answer he was looking for.