Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My mate opened the door and caught me wanking.

"Don't you knock?" I yelled.

"Get out of the fridge!" he said.

[Raistlin]

I was having sex with a bird last night when she said, "Do you think I'm tight?"

"Yes." I panted, "You're the tightest I've ever had."

"You really think so?" She gushed.

"Yes." I replied, "None of the other women I've been with wore Primark knickers."

[Raistlin]

News-headline: "Al Qaeda recruiting French born Muslims for Jiihad in Syria."

In other news, Al Qaeda forces in Syria have announced their unconditional surrender.

[Raistlin]

My Wife laughed her head off when I said that I was going to build a motorcycle made out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I rode pasta!

[Raistlin]

I have a soft spot for my wife, it's called a swamp.

[Raistlin]

As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake

[Raistlin]

Sky News : Jacques Cousteau's grandson is aiming to set a new record by spending a month living underwater.

You're too late, you French twat, 600 people did it last year in Somerset !!

[Raistlin]

Having sex for the first time in Middlesbrough is like getting your first car.

You don't want it and it comes from your Uncle .

[Raistlin]

My mate caught me sniffing his sister's knickers while wanking.

Lets just say it made her funeral the next day very awkward.

[Raistlin]

I got a bill through the door yesterday from British Gas saying my payment was outstanding!

I thought how nice of them to say so and wrote a letter back saying Thank You.

[Raistlin]

I've time travelled here from the year 2000!

It took me 14 years, 6 months and 3 days, but I made it!

[Raistlin]

The king of Spain has abdicated.

Another Juan bites the dust.

[Raistlin]

Apparently they now have Wifi on the International Space Station.

NASA have promised us that this will make the sharing of new insights and discoveries both faster and more accessible to the general public.

And PornHub have promised the astronauts that there are lots of horny girls in their area

[Raistlin]

Scientists have found that married couples share similar DNA.

Mind you, the study was done in Norfolk.

[Raistlin]

Maria Sharapova has a lot in common with most of her fans.

She just reached a semi.

[Raistlin]

I've begun sending a torrent of sexually explicit messages to a new bird I've just met in a forum, in which I beg for discipline.

I don't know much about her, but 'Jill the Administrator' sounds like a right dominatrix.

[Raistlin]

Like and share if you're easily manipulated.

[Raistlin]

I took my daughters bra shopping today.

Don't know why, I should've probably left it at home.

[Raistlin]

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, would the feminists blame the men for it?

[Raistlin]

A lot of Scots are saying they will vote No in the independence referendum because they 'don't want to be ruled by that Alex Salmond, he's a complete arsehole'.

Well in recent times they've been ruled by Thatcher, then Major, then Blair, then Brown and now by Cameron and Clegg, so you'd think they'd be well used to it by now.

[Raistlin]

Words have a different meanings depending where in the world you use them.

The word 'cardigan' in the UK means ... A knitted garment open at the front.

In Jamaica ... Your motor vehicle has disappeared.

[Raistlin]

I pulled a fat bird in a club last night and she invited me back to her place.

As she started taking her clothes off in the bedroom she said, "I hope you will still respect me in the morning?"

"You don't need to worry about that," I replied soothingly, "There's no way I'll still be here in the morning."

[Raistlin]

Police searching for Madeleine McCann in Portugal have suffered a setback

A spokesman said "We only popped out for a bit of supper and some bastard has nicked our shovels"

[Raistlin]

Was just at the community centre for my weekly Homophobe's Anonymous meeting.

Ironically there was a sign on the front saying "Please use the back door"

[Raistlin]

"You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF" claims the advert,

Imagine my confusion as I was lead away in handcuffs from one of their jets.