Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission.

During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

[Raistlin]

A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the

coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept

punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd

expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,

and change too!

After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went

and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way

to the other vending machines with the mounting pile

of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the

young lady.

People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful

woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was

fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their

turn at the machines.

After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of

the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'

'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm

winning here?'

[Raistlin]

I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms.

I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time I made love.

My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to see what flavour I was wearing.

The first night she said "Mmmmm, Cherry flavour",

The second night she said "Mmmmm, Mint flavour",

The third night she said "Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour", and so on, until we had reached the final flavourand she said "Mmmmm, Cheese flavour"

"Cheese flavour ??" I said "I haven't put one on yet!"

[Raistlin]

Why do men die before their wives?

Because they want to.

[Raistlin]

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl.

Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."

The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady.

It is hot.

The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.

The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan."

The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."

The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block.

With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out.

As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Cheek."

[Raistlin]

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time.

He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

"What happened to you feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

"What happened to your knees?" she asked.

"Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?"

"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

[Raistlin]

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?

Nobody will look for them.

[Raistlin]

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.

The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.

The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt..........

So I made love to her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.

[Raistlin]

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[Raistlin]

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers".

Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

[Raistlin]

Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?

Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off.

[Raistlin]

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.

Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

[Raistlin]

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.

She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

[Raistlin]

What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?

Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

[Raistlin]

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night?

Very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

[Raistlin]

I'm in trouble with the wife again.

She came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.

[Raistlin]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny.

"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream van hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[Raistlin]

Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Raistlin]

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,"

The husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."

He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

[Raistlin]

After their love-making session the young bride asks her husband "Was making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?"

"Yes, she's dead to!"

[Bizarra]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,

MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied.........

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

[Raistlin]

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

[Raistlin]

With all the recent talk of cloning, you'd think it was a new thing.

But in fact, a very wealthy man had himself cloned many years ago.

The boy grew up to have very foul mouth.

The more the son swore, the madder the father got.

One day, the father got so mad he pushed his son off a high cliff.

He was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

[Raistlin]

The new hooker had just finished her first trick.

When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine."

"Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was £100, but he said he did not have that much.

So, I told him a blow job would be £75, but he did not have that much either.

Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?'

The marine said he only had £25.

So, I told him, 'For £25, all I can give you is a hand job.'

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out.

I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one."

She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues, "Then I put the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge !

Then what did you do ?"

"I loaned him £75"