Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Today, on D-Day, prominent figures from Allied States commemorate with services and renactments in Normandy.

Meanwhile, Angela Merkel uses the opportunity of a very quiet day to catch up with some paperwork.

[Raistlin]

The other day I passed out after having a bit too much to drink, only to awaken with a massive cock drawn on my forehead.

That's when I knew being a primary school teacher wasn't for me.

[Raistlin]

"What's your favourite part of swimming pools?"

"Not sure, depends I suppose."

"Yeah, mine too."

[Raistlin]

My fat wife told me she's feeling depressed about her weight today.

I don't understand how she can be depressed when all she ever eats are Happy Meals.

[Raistlin]

"The bodies of 796 children, between the ages of two days and nine years old, have been found in a disused sewage tank in Tuam, County Galway.

They died between 1925 and 1961 in a mother and baby home under the care of the Bon Secours nuns."

Forgive me Jesus, for I have binned

[Raistlin]

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

[Raistlin]

In Britain, it's illegal to become a prostitute until you are 18.

In Brazil, that's retirement age.

[Raistlin]

Following in the footsteps of Britney Spears and Beyonce, Miley Cyrus is to launch her own line of perfume.

In a statement she said that she wanted a fragrance that reflected her personality and that gave purchasers a true understanding of what it is to be Miley Cyrus.

"Filthy Slut" is available in department stores next week.

[Raistlin]

News: Baby panda in China to predict outcome of World Cup games.

Prediction #1: "None of the stadiums will be ready."

[Raistlin]

BBC SPORT: Kilmarnock interested in Belgian defender Mark de Man.

Apparently, they are also interested in his compatriots, striker Skor de Gaulle and goalkeeper Bloek de Schott.

[Raistlin]

My wife and I were enjoying a day at the beach until I handed her a warm can of coke:

"What the hell is this?" She moaned, "I told you to put them in the cool bag."

"I did" I replied, "look, it's a Louis Vuitton."

[Raistlin]

It's good to see that the Madeleine McCann investigation has restarted in Portugal, and I say that as somebody who has spent many, many hours searching for vulnerable young children.

It would have been less but my internet connection is very slow.

[Raistlin]

I was watching a great programme last night about the effects of electrical storms in sport.

And then they went and ruined it by showing some crappy football.

[Raistlin]

The only thing confirmed by last night's draw with Honduras, is there are 23 seats on an early flight home

[Raistlin]

I've just woken from a two year coma.

I suppose it's my own fault for leaving the toilet seat up.

[Raistlin]

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco

[Raistlin]

I was in a nightclub and a Scouser came up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry love, I don't drive."

[Raistlin]

I read an article that if you get bitten by a snake it is sometimes possible to suck the venom out, I showed this article to my blonde girlfriend.

So far this week she is proud of the fact that shes saved my life 7 times, each time successfully sucking the venom out.

Although she has suggested I be more careful to protect my penis from snakebites

[Raistlin]

This is Jane, She's just driven away from a Tesco petrol station without paying for all her fuel" - Bilking, every little helps.

[Raistlin]

"Oh, go on love," I pleaded. "Just the once, and it's my birthday tomorrow..."

She thought for a moment, then said smoothly, "Ok, as it's your ultimate fantasy, I'll put on a lesbian show with Debbie for you."

I gulped.

"...BUT," she continued with a victorious smile, "only on one condition; that you do the same thing for me with your best mate."

I scrambled for the phone. "Hi Dave," I gasped, "Listen, do you mind if Lisa watches us next time?"

[Raistlin]

I was sad to see that Rik Mayall died yesterday

Not because we lost one of England's finest Comedians, but because Miranda Hart is doing the tribute Show.

[Raistlin]

Fifa president Sepp Blatter claims corruption allegations surrounding the Qatar 2022 World Cup bid are motivated by racism.

That's typical of that cheese eating Swiss bastard.

[Raistlin]

David Walliams wrote on Twitter: "I am heartbroken that my comedy idol growing up Rik Mayall has died. He made me want to be a comedian."

I'm really upset about Rik too, David, but don't worry - there's still time for you to become a comedian.

[Raistlin]

I just read that Danny Welbeck is injured and will miss the opening game against Italy.

Whats the Big Deal?

I've got to miss it too, Its way past my bedtime.

[Raistlin]

In celebration of the forthcoming World Cup, the wife has had a Brazilian.

Diego, I think his name was