Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My phone bill was huge this month.

A couple of weeks ago I rang in sick for my wife and her boss asked me what was wrong with her.

[Raistlin]

I gave my wife £50 and told her to go out on Thursday and leave me in peace while I watched World Cup football.

"I won't need that much," she laughed.

"You will," I said. "It's got to last you five weeks."

[Raistlin]

Sepp Blatter: In the future football could be played on other planets.

He should know - he's been on a different planet to the rest of us for a long time

[Raistlin]

I met a fat bird tonight who tried convincing me she was into aerobics.

I think she meant she likes biscuits coated with bubbly chocolate

[Raistlin]

An advert for the world cup came on when my wife turned to me and said, "You needn't think you're sitting here for the next month watching football!"

"Of course not, babe," I replied. "I'll be watching it in the pub."

[Raistlin]

Extensive coverage of the world cup starts on ITV and BBC today.

Viewers in Scotland and Wales will have their own programming.

[Raistlin]

I was feeling horny and needed some relief.

"Do you want to have sex?," I asked the wife.

"No," she replied.

You have no idea how relieved I was.

[Raistlin]

As expected Brazil scored the first goal in the World Cup, pity it was in the wrong goal

[Raistlin]

I like this vanishing spray FIFA are using for this World Cup.

Would it work on Sepp Blatter.

[Raistlin]

I've just stocked my fridge with beers for the World Cup, customised for each match.

I've got San Miguel for when Spain are playing because it's Spanish, Beck's for when Germany are playing because it's German and Carling for when England are playing because it's crap.

[Raistlin]

I'm very happy to read that Boris Johnson has agreed to be blasted by a water cannon.

In view of the high potential for a drought at this time of year, would it not make more sense to use an ordinary cannon?

[Raistlin]

I have just been told that if I want to manage my depression, I need to eat five thin crust pizzas a week?

That's the last time I goto Dr. Oetker.

[Raistlin]

Spain's 5-1 defeat to Holland is hot favourite to be voted the fourth most embarrassing performance of the 2014 World Cup.

England are still odds-on to occupy the top three positions.

[Raistlin]

Sure Spain got battered by Netherlands, but at the end of the day Pique gets to go home and shag Shakira and you don't,

So who is the real winner?

[Raistlin]

It's quite common for a guy to fantasize about having anal sex, but I'm not much of a fan.

It turns out it really hurts

[Raistlin]

There is a hoax going around that Jeremy Clarkson is dead. Whoever came up with it is sick and clearly has no regard for the feelings and emotions of others...

Raising our hopes like that.

[Raistlin]

England are to have a new captain next week.

His name is Roger Smith and he's the pilot for the plane ride home.

[Raistlin]

World Cup:

Don't despair, England!

That was only the first game and, if we're lucky, there's every chance that Phil Neville will get fired before the next one.

[Raistlin]

I've seen women drivers take corners better than Rooney

[Raistlin]

"Nurse, we need to artificially induce a coma in this patient."

"But doctor, we've ran out of pentobarbital."

"Umm, then there's only one thing for it."

"What's that, doctor?"

"We'll use Phil Neville's BBC World Cup commentary, instead."

[Raistlin]

England are as likely to win the world cup as Phil Neville recording the 50 Shades of Grey audio book.

[Raistlin]

The new Star Wars film will feature a new fat robot to star alongside R2D2 and C3P0, he will be called OBCT.

[Raistlin]

Where's the quietest place on Earth?

Iraqi Army Recruiting Office.

[Raistlin]

Does anyone else find cucumber makes them burp a lot?

Or am I just shoving mine up too far?

[Raistlin]

Football lovers. If you missed this evenings game between Iran and Nigeria, don't panic. Extended highlights will be shown on BBC1 from 11.45 to 11.47 tonight.