Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Roy Hodgson has stated that preparations are going well for the second round.

Steven Gerrard has got a new 60" plasma, Rooney has bought the beers and Joe Hart is doing the bar b.

[Raistlin]

Michael Schumacher woke up this morning, but unfortunately slipped back into his coma soon afterwards.

Doctors have apologised for leaving Phil Neville on the television in Schumacher's room.

[Raistlin]

I've decided never to buy anything off the Internet again, after getting conned last week.

I ordered what was supposed to be the world's largest cardboard box, but the one it came in was bigger.

[Raistlin]

If the Scottish fail to gain independence, maybe the UK should show its unity by creating a new country, to replace England and Scotland.

As a symbol of collaboration between these nations, this new country should combine the first three letters of England and the last four letters of Scotland.

[Raistlin]

Commenting on "that" corner, Wayne Rooney said:

"I miscalculated the vector and rotational forces with respect to the negative Carioles effect of being in the southern latitudes which placed differential angles in a manner I had not taken into account in what is, after all, a very complex integrated equation"

[Raistlin]

I don't understand all these people posting about the world cup on Facebook because according to the North Korean News Agency they won it last week 10-0 and South Korea failed to qualify...

[Raistlin]

World Cup

Spain's dumped....it must have been the Chilli's.

[Raistlin]

In an unsurprising move, Diego Costa has burnt his Spanish passport and is claiming to be Brazilian again.

[Raistlin]

Novak Djokovic and Serena Williams - top male seeds at Wimbledon.

[Raistlin]

A massive boost for England in the world cup tonight when they found out that they aren't going to be the first team to be knocked out.

[Raistlin]

I was in town shopping today and I didn't see any Christmas decorations, or fireworks, or love hearts.

What month is this we are in again?

[Raistlin]

Having lost their first 2 World Cup matches, the England players are going to be asked a lot of searching questions.

The first one being, "Did you pack these bags yourself?"

[Raistlin]

What's the best thing about England winning last night?

I finally get to prove to my family and doctor, that I'm not a delusional fantasist.

[Raistlin]

After losing tonight I wouldn't fancy England's chances against Costa Coffee never mind Costa Rica.

[Raistlin]

Despite losing their first two matches, England still have some chance of returning with silverware from Brazil.

It's still early days in the tournament, so the souvenir stands are going to be well-stocked.

[Raistlin]

So England's last game against Costa Rica becomes a meaningless waste of time.

Bit like the other two really then.

[Raistlin]

England are to have a new captain next week.

His name is Roger Smith and he's the pilot for the flight home

[Raistlin]

Yeah, we are all down about the England teams performance in the world cup but let's look on the bright side for a moment eh?

At least Joe Harts dandruff has cleared up.

[Raistlin]

Can't for the life of me understand why Justin Bieber would want to be known as 'Bizzle'?

Sounds like a slang word for male ejaculate....oh hang on

[Raistlin]

My wife still hasn't got the hang of the offside rule:

It's anywhere in the TV room unless she's carrying beer and pizza.

[Raistlin]

"text LADIES on 85722. Text, chat, flirt and have a good time, now"

Text, chat, flirt and have a good time? I'm a bloke, I can't multi-task.

[Raistlin]

What's a Welshmen's favourite dating site?

Ewe switch.

[Raistlin]

Three journalists have been jailed for seven years each for reporting the truth on the situation in Egypt.

Judith Chalmers is now crapping herself.

[Raistlin]

According to Microsoft's new advertising campaign, Internet Explorer 8 has an 'In Private' browsing option, so that if you were buying a present for your wife, she won't find out.

Yeah, because I'm worried about her seeing the Iron I'm getting her for her birthday, not the asian porn.

[Raistlin]

Wimbledon started today, so lets all hope Andy Murray can follow in the footsteps of the England football team.

By avoiding the net as often as possible.