Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

England can still progress in the World Cup, It's possible. All we have to do is beat Costa Rica 3-0. That will guarantee us a better goal difference than the loser of the Italy - Uruguay game. We finish 3rd in the group.

Then.... we get some of the guys in the team to break in the Lab and spike the drug test results of the 7 Costa Ricans tested after the last match. The scousers kidnap Sepp Blatter's grandchildren and under duress, he announces that the Costa Ricans have to go home immediately in disgrace. We go through by default!.

Far - fetched?. Yeah, I suppose 3-0 is a bit of a tall order.

[Raistlin]

My wife is a big Tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she finds the constant grunting noises during the women's matches.

I have promised her I will stop.

[Raistlin]

Sepp Blatter has insisted that the Suarez case will be dealt with swiftly and justice will be served. If found guilty Suarez will receive a lengthy ban.

However the evidence which was passed to Blatter in a thick brown envelope has proved inconclusive.

[Raistlin]

Suarez now hoping to play Germany so he can try shoulder of Lahm.

[Raistlin]

I'd like to see a Uruguay vs Russia Final this year.. I can see the headlines.. "Suárez bites Dikov."

[Raistlin]

Messi's carrying Argentina.

Neymar's carrying Brazil.

British Airways carrying England.

[Raistlin]

According to the new study in New Scientist magazine, women talk almost three times as much as men.

This is because the first two times we're not listening.

[Raistlin]

I can't stand obnoxious commuters who think that it's acceptable to wear backpacks on packed commuter Tube lines.

The other day one of them turned round suddenly and barged right into my double bass.

[Raistlin]

Nigerian atheist 'ruled mentally ill'

Apparently he has no desire to rape 13 year old girls, dress his wife in bin liners, or blow himself up.

What a weirdo.

[Raistlin]

In a recent interview, 70-year-old Mick Jagger revealed his secret to looking so young.

Yeah, Mick, we already know.

It's by standing next to Keith Richards.

[Raistlin]

Apparently the England team have got to play another game. They are playing against Germany till half time when the USA will finally turn up.

[Raistlin]

Breaking news : England team reveal why they exited the world cup so early, apparently the fear of John Terry being left in England with their wives got to them..

[Raistlin]

Following their dismal showing in the World Cup, the England players have once again reiterated the need for an annual break where they can recuperate for a couple of weeks by doing absolutely nothing.

How about a World Cup every year?

[Raistlin]

When it comes to doing jokes about sexual innuendo, it's really....really....Hard

[Raistlin]

South Korea's motivation tactics for the World Cup were revealed today...

They've all been told if they don't qualify they've got to take the ferry home.

[Raistlin]

I ordered a John Cleese doll off the internet.

But I sent it back for being Fawlty.

[Raistlin]

Apparently, the UK is facing a major sperm shortage.

I'm not surprised, most of it has ended up in Katie Price

[Raistlin]

I see that Wimbledon officials now have to check ladies panties to ensure they are regulation white.

Presumably someone is paid to do this. If they'd thought harder about the situation, they could have made this role into a significant additional revenue stream.

[Raistlin]

Man arrested in hunt for 'Elvis impersonator'

He was caught in a trap.

[Raistlin]

Girl: What colour are my eyes?

Guy: 34C.

[Raistlin]

Two Ryan Air jets have collided on the tarmac at Stanstead Airport.

When asked, a representative said that no-one was hurt. The passengers simply had to change to another plane to fly out...

...once they pay their transfer charges

[Raistlin]

Was walking in the Tesco entrance earlier to get my weekly shopping, when I read their motto, 'Why Pay More?'

"Good point," I thought... "Asda it is then."

[Raistlin]

My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communication issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work.

So I leaned over and kissed her good night.

[Raistlin]

FOR SALE:

Faulty Swingball

£10 ono

No strings attached.

[Raistlin]

On my first night in jail, my cell mate climbed into bed and put his arms around me:

"It's ok to cry" he said, "jail's a scary place."

His heart's in the right place, I thought.

Unfortunately his penis wasn't.