Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Mirror mirror on the floor, who's the worse at home decor?

[Raistlin]

Dolly Parton is one of the headline acts at Glastonbury tonight.

Her show is being described as the biggest pair of tits to appear on the Pyramid Stage since Oasis split up.

[Raistlin]

In light of the Cameroon match fixing claims, FIFA is now holding an investigation into England in relation to match fixing - "Why else would some of the highest paid and best players in the world played like a bunch of muppets", said a FIFA spokesman.

[Raistlin]

What do you get if you put Rolf Harris in a room full of paedophiles'?

Don't know but Rolf's about to find out

[Raistlin]

A woman has given birth outside the Primark in Birmingham, with staff helping deliver the child and promptly putting it to work.

[Raistlin]

I got pulled over by a female police officer.When i rolled down my window to ask what was wrong,she said...

"NOTHING!"

[Raistlin]

I'm guessing the judge at Rolf Harris's sentencing has a sense of humour then?

69 months.

[Raistlin]

These new mortgage applications are a bit personal.

Q14. How do you intend to repay your mortgage at the end of the 30 year term?

a ) ISA/Investment

b ) Endowment

c ) Remembering you gave Rolf Harris a blowjob on the m4

[Raistlin]

Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly?

I didn't... I started the wife up like a chainsaw.

[Raistlin]

'Vanessa Feltz abused me when I was younger'.

-Greggs

[Raistlin]

I applied for a job at Ann Summers the other day.

Apparently having a firm interest in ladies underwear isn't a valid personal statement.

[Raistlin]

My new girlfriend gave me some sex vouchers before our first time sleeping together.

All of her ex-boyfriends vouched that she's a slut.

[Raistlin]

Following allegations made by Vanessa Feltz, officers have stated that they are offering Rolf Harris support as he is clearly the victim on this occasion

[Raistlin]

"Vanessa never touched me"

The free salad bar at Harvester

[Raistlin]

Rolf Harris touched up Vanessa Feltz in 1996

Can't help thinking of the advert "should have gone to Specsavers"

[Raistlin]

My wife is having a bad hair day.

But that's chemotherapy for you.

[Raistlin]

I'm currently in the beautiful Cheshire plains so I thought I'd visit the historic heartland railway town of Crewe and talk to some of the locals.

Unfortunately I don't speak Polish.

[Raistlin]

Ex-child star Charlotte Church has admitted her millions have dried up,

Don't worry babes there's a gap for a kid's entertainer who can paint, draw and sing if you're interested.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Vanessa Feltz groped by Rolf Harris.

"It was the most stomach churning, disgusting, shameful and embarrassing moment of my TV career", said Rolf.

[Raistlin]

Norwich Toddler Killed By Falling Fireplace.

Neighbours were moved to say, "She'll always be remembered as a grate kid."

[Raistlin]

There was a survey on why men liked blowjobs

5% liked the look,

15% liked the feel,

And the other 80% liked the silence!

[Raistlin]

Vanessa Feltz reckons that Rolf Harris should be castrated.

I shouldn't worry Vanessa, ever since he touched you up even Viagra won't give him an erection.

[Raistlin]

Feel sorry for Julio Cesar tonight.

Last time I saw a Brazilian facing this many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.

[Raistlin]

Most Embarassing Semi since I watched Brokeback Mountain with my Dad

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious?

Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on Target