Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Normally when I'm watching a Brazilian take a beating like that I have the volume lower.

[Raistlin]

Hats off to Vanessa Feltz for maintaining her personal dignity after being sexually assaulted by Rolf Harris.

After a horrifying ordeal like that, a lesser woman might have totally let herself go.

[Raistlin]

Scientists have tonight discovered a new substance more slippery and friction free than PTFE or WD40. The gloves of Brazilian goal keepers

[Raistlin]

England can't win anything.

Brazil took away our top spot of Most Embarrassing team

[Raistlin]

Today saw the funeral of our top local opera singer. As a tribute, the undertakers didn't use the usual hearse.

They took him away in a Nissan Dorma.

[Raistlin]

The mother of the girl who performed 24 sex acts in Magaluf has told the press that her father will give her a mouthful when she gets home.

[Raistlin]

The WC Final's going to be a Klose one.

It's going to get Messi.

Let's see who gets Mullered

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

[Raistlin]

FOR SALE:

Medium size wetsuit, snorkel, set of flippers.

Used on three weeks vacation. Of no further use.

Contact: A Robben, Netherlands.

[Raistlin]

I booked a holiday to Magaluf.

When I got there I found the hotel was miles from any clubs, there were no female guests and the rooms were stocked with hand lotion and Kleenex.

That's the last time I'm booking self-catering.

[Raistlin]

Yahoo news carries the headline 'Baby born to woman in coma'.

All these years women have been claiming that childbirth is the most difficult and painful thing in the world. Turns out that you can do it in your sleep.

[Raistlin]

I think it's time we stopped making stereotypical racist jokes about the Germans.

It's not like they've got a sense of humour, is it?

[Raistlin]

Even at my advanced age I'm still a massive adrenalin junkie, always looking for the next big thrill.

For example, yesterday my wife asked me which Wiltshire Farm Foods ready meal I wanted heating up and I said, "Surprise me."

[Raistlin]

What's the best way to smuggle drugs in Paris?

Up her bum...

[Raistlin]

I received a letter in the post today asking me to support the helpless and unloved in their hour of need.

I wrote back and told them that I wouldn't be renewing my Man Utd season ticket

[Raistlin]

A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the nuns are incinerated instantly.

The Nuns arrive at the entrance to Heaven where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font filled with Holy Water.

Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"

The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's penis..."

Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the holy water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the holy water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.

He asks the second nun the same thing and she replies, "I did once... touch a man's penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.

Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.

Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter, sister?"

The Nun replies, "Nothing's wrong, I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it."

[Raistlin]

Calvin Harris has announced the true composer of his song..."it was acceptable in the 80s" turns out it was penned by his uncle Rolf

[Raistlin]

My English teacher told me that it's impossible to take two completely different words out of context and use them to create a coherent sentence.

Wheel sea.

[Raistlin]

Anyone saying "Love is more important than money" have clearly never tried paying off a loanshark with a hug.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Scotland is to be the home for the new "UK Spaceport".

Handy.

Now Alex Salmond and the SNP can travel quickly between Earth and the other planet they clearly live on.

[Raistlin]

If it wasn't for the war we'd all be speaking German, I pondered as I loaded my Lidl shopping bags into my Audi.

[Raistlin]

I used to really love Rolf Harris when I was a kid.

Now I see he was just using me. Cheating bastard.

[Raistlin]

Anne Wood, the creator of the Teletubbies has said the children's TV industry in Britain is dying out.

That'll be the knock-on effect of Operation Yewtree.

[Raistlin]

Germany's Angela Merkel is said to be ecstatic after watching her team lift the World Cup.

"She's phoning and texting all her friends, she's so happy"

Said the NSA.

[Raistlin]

I'm so pleased they are now allowing female bishops.

We might finally get some decent sandwiches at church fetes.