Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Women Bishops.

No need to revise chess moves. That's how they drive

[Raistlin]

Last night I must have dreamt about bacon, because this morning I woke up with a massive lardon.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend is sick of my obsession with 80's music and has threatened to leave me.

"Oh come on Eileen" I protested.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a woman with big tits who doesn't make sandwiches?

A compromise.

[Raistlin]

Been reading the minutes of the recent Cabinet meetings. Noticing a distinct change of flavour with the questions.

"Does my bum look big in this"

"There nothing wrong"

"If you have to ask, you don't understand"

[Raistlin]

BBC News: More than 650 suspected paedophiles have been arrested, Some of them were teachers, medical staff, former police officers and scout leader.

It's comforting to know that there are some decent paedophiles out there.

[Raistlin]

"Scientist Discover "End Of The World" 260ft Wide Crater In Siberia"

I guess that answers where Katie Price has been holidaying this year.

[Raistlin]

They say you're more likely to be killed by being run over crossing the road than dying in a plane crash.

Malaysia must have some terrible drivers.

[Raistlin]

And for Paul Daniel's next trick, he is going to make a Malaysian airlines flight reach its intended destination.

[Raistlin]

I used to be a sadistic necrophilia with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse

[Raistlin]

As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the fuck are you going dressed like that?"

"To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied, "I'm a tortoise."

I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!"

He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise."

[Raistlin]

Why do people always say that electricity and water don't mix?

They do. And the results are awesome to watch.

[Raistlin]

The missile that downed Malaysian Airlines flight MH17 was fired from the town of Torez in the Ukraine....

That's shocking....something shot from Torez actually hitting its target!

[Raistlin]

I've just seen George Bushes art gallery and to be honest I think his portrait of Tony Blair is pretty good.

The lies follow you around the room.

[Raistlin]

45 years ago today, the Apollo 11 mission landed on the moon. May their names live on forever:

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, the other guy.

[Raistlin]

I went to the local BMW showroom this weekend and asked the guy there about buying one of the latest models.

After doing some checks in the office, he came back to me and said, "I'm sorry sir, but we'd be unable to sell you one of these cars."

"W-what? I don't understand - is it my credit rating?" I replied.

"No, sir," he explained, "it's just that you're not enough of a contemptible, arrogant, inconsiderate, rude, aggressive prick to qualify for ownership."

[Raistlin]

The Russians have finally released in full the black box recordings of the MH17 flight.

Investigators have cast doubts as to whether the 8-Track tape is absolute proof that the Red Army Choir was really performing on board throughout at the time....

[Raistlin]

The hairdresser said, "What can I do for you today?"

I replied, "I want you to take the long chains of keratin formations, and with the application of high temperature controlled ceramic plates, temporarily un-couple the sulphur atoms before resetting them to a different structure."

Well, "Will you straighten my hair for me?" sounds a bit gay.

[Raistlin]

You would have thought that someone would have invented hindsight sooner.

[Raistlin]

The Battery in my wife's dildo ran out last night so we had to do it the old fashioned way.

I've been picking bits of cucumber out my bum all morning.

[Raistlin]

Best of luck to Steven Gerrard, who's retired from not winning the World Cup to concentrate on not winning the Premier League.

[Raistlin]

"Tulisa Contostavlos drugs trial collapses"

So Tulisa has got off ...

Pity I couldn't say the same watching her blow job video.

[Raistlin]

Malaysian airways have just published their new mission statement:

"Third time lucky"

[Raistlin]

I cracked two jokes in the pub last night about Malaysian Airways.

The first got no response and the second crashed & burned.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: David Cameron has expressed his anger over President Putin taking 3 days to accept his phone call. Therefore, has decided to invoke further and even stricter sanctions...

by blocking him on Facebook.