Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Was at the top of the Empire State building when I saw a very attractive girl, so I leaned in and whispered, "Baby I want to make all your fantasies come true."

She turned to me and whispered back, "Awww that's so sweet. Try not to land on my car...."

[Raistlin]

German Team damaged world cup trophy While celebrating back home.

It is Rumered that it was an arsenal player As they are not used to hold trophies.

[Raistlin]

I was in a club in Yorkshire last weekend, and there were loads of men dancing in front of other men in a sexually provocative manner with thrusting hip movements.

I said to the barman, is this a gay bar? "No! a twerking mens club."

[Raistlin]

My favourite prostitute just put her prices up.

I had to pay extra to watch that.

[Raistlin]

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding.

I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.

[Raistlin]

So Malaysia were in Scotland for the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games

Guessing they didn't get there by plane

[Raistlin]

It's been announced that Peaches Geldof's death was caused by an overdose.

She was a heroine addict

In other news, the world is round, the pope is a catholic and bears shit in woods...

[Raistlin]

The wife says it's time I lost some weight, so she bought me a pedometer. I have to wear it on my wrist and, with every step I take, it records the slight vibration and can tell how many miles I have walked in one day.

It's great, I've been sat on the couch all day, watching "loose women". It says I've walked 12 miles.

[Raistlin]

I reckon it's complete tosh when people say you've got a higher chance of being in a car crash while using your pho...

[Raistlin]

My sides were literally aching the other night after seeing Michael McIntyre live.

Whilst walking out of the show half way through, I fell down some steps and cracked two ribs.

[Raistlin]

"Does my bum look big in this?" Asked my wife.

"Yes it does," I replied,

"But that is only a three seater couch you've just squeezed into."

[Raistlin]

As a tribute to Peaches Geldof, there is to be a special edition of her favourite daytime show.

'Stash in the attic' will be screened next Monday.

[Raistlin]

Gatwick Airport announces £256m plan to build a second runway

Seems a waste of money as most planes don't tend to use them any more...

[Raistlin]

My wife was complaining she had a head cold.

"It's because of all the time it spends in the fridge!" I snapped.

[Raistlin]

Amongst other musical instruments I am selling, I have a brand new Theremin up for sale.

It's never been touched.

[Raistlin]

When I was working Tesco's today a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.

[Raistlin]

After taking a beating in the World Cup Final ratings, ITV Sport bounces back in spectacular fashion by not covering the Commonwealth Games

[Raistlin]

Katie Price has been quoted as saying: "My death might be a Diana moment"

Yeah, we all wish it had happened in 1997 too.

[Raistlin]

I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought:

"Those bastards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."

[Raistlin]

A Welsh athlete has been disqualified from the Commonwealth Games after testing positive for banned substances.

Was it baaaabiturates?

[Raistlin]

A Welsh hurdler has tested positive for drugs.

Which only goes to show, you can take all the precautions you want but if that sheep has only just been dipped...

[Raistlin]

2000 chavs die a year because of cheap Tesco booze.

Every Little Helps...

[Raistlin]

Louis Van Gaal has ordered his Man Utd players to speak English

well that's Wayne Rooney stuffed then...

[Raistlin]

Comic and former psychiatric nurse Jo Brand has accused The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent of exploiting people with mental health problems.

The viewers, mainly.

[Raistlin]

Legendary ventriloquist Keith Harris has told of how he nearly died from cancer, because he was too nervous about seeing his doctor.

"It's not nice, having someone root around up your bottom, is it?"

Said Orville.