Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

When I was little I found my mum's vibrator, and she told me it was a back massager.

It wasn't till recently I found out what it really is.

I still don't understand why it smelt like the seaside.

[Raistlin]

My wife says I'm like an Olympic gold medallist in the bedroom

I always cum first

Bitch !

[Raistlin]

!! LIVERPOOL MUMS WARNING !!

If you leave a child in your car during this hot weather please ensure a window is open so they can at least have a fag.

[Raistlin]

Ironically Tulisa is being talked about this time because she managed to get herself off.

[Raistlin]

BREAKING NEWS: Liverpool FC have announced they are going to rename their club to Scousehampton.

[Raistlin]

WH Smith - they charge a penny for a bag because they are trying to be 'environmentally friendly' - then they give you a whole trees worth of receipts and special offer vouchers.

[Raistlin]

In the 70's children would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. You drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle.

You shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

You ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but you weren't overweight because...... YOU WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

You would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

Oh yeah... and you also watched TV shows presented by paedophiles, or went on them and got molested.

[Raistlin]

Did you know that if you hit the bottom of a ketchup bottle hard enough,

it leaves an imprint on your wife's forehead.

[Raistlin]

Tulisa has revealed that she tried to commit suicide by taking a cocktail of vodka and painkillers.

It didn't work as she barely put them in her mouth and definitely didn't swallow them.

[Raistlin]

Just popped to Tesco for some milk and ended up buying three Southampton players... They keep 'em by the tills now.

[Raistlin]

I told my wife that she isn't fat, she's just easier to see.

[Raistlin]

My wife is throwing me out because of my obsession with Lord of the Rings.

I don't know what she's Toliken about.

[Raistlin]

The GoCompare website has crashed...

...due to Malaysia Airlines trying to get a better insurance quote.

[Raistlin]

I like a girl who's good in the sack.

Much better than the ones who try to struggle out of it.

[Raistlin]

Now she's getting older, my wife's beginning to look a little ropey in a certain light.

On.

[Raistlin]

Tower Hamlets' Muslim mayor sparked a storm of protest tonight after raising the Palestinian flag over the town hall, in solidarity with Gaza"

I can't wait to see how the Mayor of Tottenham responds to this one.

[Raistlin]

As a proud Scotsman I'd like to say how disappointed I was to hear Usain Bolt describing the Commonwealth Games as "a bit shit" When you're in Scotland Usain, show a bit of respect and remember its not shit, it's shite.

[Raistlin]

Aldi - I got a trolley outside for £1... Bargain

[Raistlin]

I've just read that actor Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a nightclub in Spain.

Orlando complained that his hand was pretty sore today.

Apparently the entire nightclub had queued up to high-five him.

[Raistlin]

Why don't they just hurry up and cure dyslexia

It's not exactly brian sugary

[Raistlin]

Kerry Katona's fiance has been detained under the Mental Health Act, after police were called out to a domestic incident at their home.

He wasn't detained because of the incident, but because police realised he had asked Kerry Katona to marry him.

[Raistlin]

I got kicked out of the Ebola ward in the local hospital in Sierra Leone yesterday.

Apparently laughter isn't the best medicine.

[Raistlin]

For anyone unclear with who Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber are here is a brief description.

Orlando Bloom is a 37 year old English actor best known for his roles in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and Pirates Of The Caribbean.

He also had roles in the award wining films 'Black Hawk Down', 'Troy' and 'Kingdom of Heaven'

And Justin Bieber is a pratt

[Raistlin]

Britain's Got Talent runner ups, Bars and Melody, have claimed they have a future in the entertainment industry.

I agree. In about 5 years time we'll be trying to pick you out from a line up on Never mind The Buzzcocks.

[Raistlin]

My daughter's pet goldfish died today, so to cheer her up I replaced it with a hamster.

What a waste of money that was.

The little sod drowned after about 5 minutes.