Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips.....

[Raistlin]

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."

[Raistlin]

What does a blonde say after sex?

Thanks Guys.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ?

lick-a-lot-a-pus

[Raistlin]

Why do bankers make great lovers ?

They know the penalty for early withdrawal.

[Raistlin]

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.

He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone.

So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.

He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.

He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.

Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

[Raistlin]

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

[Raistlin]

How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?

When her favorite sexual position is "next door"

[Raistlin]

Whats the difference between a blonde and a Mosquito ?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

[Raistlin]

Once upon a time a man was walking down the street.

He saw an ancient oil lamp in an ash can and, thinking of the Aladdin legend, he picked up and rubbed it.

Sure enough, out popped a genie. "Master, I shall now grant you one wish."

The man spoke, his eyes bulging with desire.

"I wanna be rock hard and get plenty of assh for the rest of my life!"

The genie obediently turned him into a toilet.

[Raistlin]

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

[Raistlin]

What do Arabs do on Saturday night ?

They sit under palm trees and eat their dates.

[Raistlin]

If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day, what do single guys have ?

Palm Sunday.

[Raistlin]

The first Jewish woman President is elected.

She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"

"But I only eat kosher food"

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come mama"

"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right.

"You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?"

..."Her brother's a doctor!"

[Raistlin]

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds.

He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?"

"No," says one of the doctors.

"We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

[Raistlin]

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady

of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of

agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm

down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun

began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I

heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun,

"it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a

contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"

[Raistlin]

What's an Australian kiss ?

The same thing as a French kiss, only down under

[Raistlin]

I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day.

My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife.

I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair.

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag ?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....

the other is used to carry groceries.

[Raistlin]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.

So I said "Implants?"

[Raistlin]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.

On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for £10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff!

I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[Raistlin]

Professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

[Raistlin]

Rules for Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club

and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep

the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should be a firm shaft. Course

owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid

damage to the hole.

6. The object of this game is to take as many strokes as necessary until

the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.

Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the

course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon

arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to

admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or

are playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course

owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been scheduled,

particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.

Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover

someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.

Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be temporarily

under repair. Players are advised to find alternative means of play

when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and pruning of any

bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with

and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before

attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to

proceedat a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course

owner's request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the

same hole several times in one match.

16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

[Raistlin]

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.

"Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends three hours every night in your apartment?"

Mrs Smith replied. "Its a platonic friendship.

Its play for him and a tonic for me."