Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My wife said she would like to go back to the 1930's to see what it would be like ' so I took her to Wales for the day .

[Raistlin]

A monkey was arrested today for throwing flaming faeces at zoo employees.

Three of the zoo workers were rushed to the hospital with turd debris burns...

[Raistlin]

What's the best way to see Bradford?

On a map...

[Raistlin]

I'm sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife.

He's been so miserable lately.

[Raistlin]

Reuters: USA drops food aid to Iraqi refugees on a mountain.

Iraqi Medical Journal: Iraqi refugees now too fat to get off the mountain.

[Raistlin]

Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team. He has hired Celtic's as he heard you can lose both legs and still win.

[Raistlin]

Man killed as e-cigarette 'explodes', Merseyside fire service says.

Liverpool council have asked for there to be a minute silence every time someone lights a fag up for the next ten years, a campaign for justice for the E-cigarette one, and a boycott of the Sun newspaper...

[Raistlin]

My daughter has been on the carousel for over an hour now.

I would get her off if I could remember which suitcase she was in.

[Raistlin]

Evidently there have been a number of Ebola deaths in Nigeria.

Does this explain why I have heard nothing for two months since I sent my bank details to their government official?

[Raistlin]

A woman walks into a marriage counselling office.

The counsellor says, "I know exactly why you're here. Your husband doesn't want to make love to you anymore, instead he prefers watching porn and masturbating."

She exclaims, "Wow! that's correct! How did you know without even having a session with me?"

The counsellor replies, "Because you're fat."

[Raistlin]

I'm not going to make any cheap, boxing / sex change puns about Boxing promoter Frank Maloney's gender reassignment.

That'd be below the belt.

[Raistlin]

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called Wedding Cake.

[Raistlin]

Orson calling Mork.

Orson calling Mork.

Mork?

"Is this thing on?"

[Raistlin]

Robin Williams found dead.

Police suspect arson,

but I Doubtfire

[Raistlin]

Dead Poets Society

Yes it is.

[Raistlin]

I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."

"What?.." He answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five 'o' clock in the fucking morning! What are you doing on a train?"

"You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."

[Raistlin]

I must have a AMAZING butt...because everytime i finish talking to someone and turn to walk away,I hear them whisper.

*what an ass*

[Raistlin]

A hot lady goes to see her doctor. "doctor can you help me iv got a terrible problem that's been making me sad lately.....im really gullible and people just keep taking advantage of me. Have you got anything to make me less gullible?".....

"oh of course" said the doctor " just take one of these pills every day for a week and you'll fine.....but while your here i better check your prostate"

[Raistlin]

The Guardian is asking A level students receiving their results this week to send them a selfie..

Funnily enough, I saw a porn hub ad asking the same thing.

[Raistlin]

I was just telling my girlfriend how our Rohypnol party was a complete success.

"What Rohypnol party?" she asked.

Exactly.

[Raistlin]

Police have finally tracked Cliff Richard down in his local Subway.

Although he claimed he was Hank Marvin at the time of questioning.

[Raistlin]

On the plus side the Christmas panto in prison this year is going to be brilliant...

[Raistlin]

Apparently, the under-16 allegedly assaulted by a famous singer in 1985 has been killed.

Tossed off a Cliff.

[Raistlin]

Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard.

Fingers crossed it's just child porn and not new music.

[Raistlin]

It just goes to show you never know what dangers are lurking in the shadows.