Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Beauty Parlour: A place where women curl up and dye

[Raistlin]

We've all been there at the hairdresser: you keep telling her to take more off and then, before you know it...

She's naked and you don't know what to do with the knife.

[Raistlin]

So I see Liverpool are swapping Suarez for Balotelli.

That's a bit like taking a razor blade off your toddler and giving it some bleach to play with instead.

[Raistlin]

Iceland has issued a Red Alert, warning people to stay away.

Where will 'Mums' shop now?

[Raistlin]

The ice bucket challenge. .ironically about as funny as having motor neuron disease.

[Raistlin]

I wish I had Kim Kardashian's talent of not having any talent and making money off it.

[Raistlin]

After being diagnosed with terminal cancer I wanted to go to Dignitas but I couldn't afford it, so I arranged a cheaper and quicker option.

I agreed to take my wife out in the car for her first driving lesson

[Raistlin]

The wife has just nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge but I'm a little confused.

Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?

[Raistlin]

The attractive girl sat opposite me and smiled, "Well," she said. "I like to go out to eat, I love going to the cinema and taking my two dogs for long walks. How do you like to spend your weekends?"

I stared at her for a few moments. "Is this your first time as a volunteer prison visitor?"

[Raistlin]

The ability to speak several languages is an asset,

but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

[Raistlin]

The definition of "irony": Medical research has determined that being drenched in ice-cold water is a primary cause of motor-neurone disease.

[Raistlin]

Louis Van Gaal wanted to implement his master tactics and make United comeback in their game against MK Dons.

Unfortunately, substituting the keeper when you're 4-0 down doesn't work

[Raistlin]

Wilfried Zaha has been caught speeding in his Lamborghini meaning he has now picked up more points this season than Manchester United.

[Raistlin]

The wife shivered in front of the camera, after having had a bucket of iced water poured over her head.

"That was awesome," I laughed. "But you didn't nominate anyone."

"Because I was sleeping, you git!" she yelled.

[Raistlin]

A 9 year old girl shot a firing instructor with an Uzi after she lost control of it.

Still has better aim than Manchester United.

[Raistlin]

The Ice Bucket challenge is very much like the Police Academy movie series.

It gets even less funny every time you see a new one.

[Raistlin]

I can't be the only guy who sees a group of women doing yoga and thinks...

Kama Sutra

[Raistlin]

Muslim soldiers waving Kalashnikovs about?

Soft bastards, Little girls have Uzis in America.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend uses tears to win arguments...

A swift kick to the testicles and I bawl like a little girl.

[Raistlin]

Why do people say "Excuse me, can I sneak by?"

You've already failed.

[Raistlin]

A five year old boy with a brain tumour has gone missing with his family. They were last seen getting off a ferry in France.

I'm no detective but have Interpol sent anyone to check Eurodisney?

[Raistlin]

My digital camera went missing recently.

How it ended up in my teenage daughter's bedroom I just don't know.

[Raistlin]

David Cameron has raised the security alert to 'Severe'.

Advice to terrorists wishing to remain undetected: Travel around Europe with six children, one in a wheelchair, where your vehicle's make, colour and registration number are known to the authorities - and you'll remain completely invisible.

[Raistlin]

"You remind me of Duracell." Said my new girlfriend

I said,"Why? Because I last much longer?"

"No,because your penis is the same size as an AA Battery."

Bitch.

[Raistlin]

"We didn't play very well or create enough chances and we feel it's definitely two points dropped against one of the lesser teams."

Said the Burnley manager.