Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I had to make an insurance claim after a woman reversed into my car.

When the insurance company phoned and asked how it happened, I told them she couldn't see me because her parcel shelf was covered in meerkat toys.

[Raistlin]

Van Gaal's 3-5-2 is working a treat

3 Games Played

5 Goals Scored/Conceded

2 Points

[Raistlin]

I've never been so embarrassed.

Now the entire world can see evidence of all the attractive celebrities I have slept with.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: dog reunited with owners after rescue from Cliff

Dirty Bastard...

[Raistlin]

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

[Raistlin]

Police have announced one forthcoming event is expected to see the largest collection of muslim terrorists, jihadists, child abusers, fraudsters and benefit cheats in one place at any one time.

The release of the new iPhone

[Raistlin]

Don't worry about porn, it's more likely your kids will accidentally see a beheading.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend has discovered a new online game, designed to be played when she's on her period.

It's called World Of Bitchcraft

[Raistlin]

I forgot to take one of my antibiotics today.

Now I'm shitting myself in case Southampton Hospital issues an international arrest warrant for me.

[Raistlin]

My dad called me into the living room so he could show me the nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence.

I said, "Dad, she's a fat white blob."

"Oh, sorry," he replied, wiping it off the screen. "There you go."

[Raistlin]

GQ naming Tony Blair as "Philanthropist of the Year" is like giving Jihadi John an award for his work on curing migraines

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend told me that sometimes she wished I would take her against her will.

I wish she felt the same way about her little sister.

[Raistlin]

"Let me tell you something incredible: Wayne Rooney scored!"

"Norway!"

[Raistlin]

So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister.

Or has it?

[Raistlin]

So someone on 4Chan has released hacked nude photos of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence, the Olson twins and Mila Kunis.

On the one hand, this is a disgraceful invasion of privacy but, on the other hand...

...well, that hand is busy.

[Raistlin]

If you're on motorway and the woman driving in front of you turns on the wipers when it's not raining, it can only mean one thing...

She will be changing lanes.

[Raistlin]

Breaking news:

Joan Rivers has attempted the ice bucket challenge, but she slipped and kicked it instead.

[Raistlin]

My R.E. teacher told me that the Bible was something to draw on in times of sadness.

So I did Jesus with a big willy.

[Raistlin]

Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.

[Raistlin]

The BBC has created a documentary about my battle with premature ejaculation.

It's coming soon.

[Raistlin]

I was reading that a fake Rabbi has been arrested for performing illegal circumcisions.

Police say they received a tip off.

[Raistlin]

DLT is accused of groping a woman in a dressing room whilst performing in a panto.

Judge: "How do you plead?"

DLT: " I didn't do it"

Jury (all together): " Oh, yes you did"

[Raistlin]

I've just seen the headline "Call the midwife actress dies"

Don't get your hopes up, its not Miranda hart

[Raistlin]

I was livid when my 9-year-old told me his teacher says I'm a bad parent.

"Right" I said. "Finish your pint and we'll go and have it out with him."

[Raistlin]

How many Germans does it take to change a lighbulb?

One, they're efficient and they aren't very funny