Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Now that he shops at Iceland, I'm presuming Peter Andre no longer loves his kids.

[Raistlin]

BBC News : Man builds pirate ship in Felixstowe back garden

The Suffolk man who built a Pirate ship in his back garden has now said he regrets the decision as 57 Somalians have now moved in.

[Raistlin]

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?

[Raistlin]

My wife had a real go at me this morning when I covered myself in bubble wrap, and now everyone else is having a pop

[Raistlin]

"I'm not washing it, I'm just gonna shove it in a pony."

If you're a girl, that sentence is actually ok.

[Raistlin]

Ahh X-Factor time again..

I think I'll record it this time next week so I can skip through the shit and just watch the adverts

[Raistlin]

"Breaking News"

The inventor of the Anagram has died...

May he "erect a penis"....

[Raistlin]

My wife tricked me into having sex with her last night.

She slept in our daughter's room.

[Raistlin]

Liverpool University have spent £900k on a study, showing that early humans mated with Neanderthals.

I could have saved them £900k of that just by watching TOWIE.

[Raistlin]

The Duchess of Cambridge is having another baby.

Let's hope this gets some media coverage, rather than brushed under the carpet like last time

[Raistlin]

BBC News : Luton Airport evacuated as 'suspect package' found.

A Police spokesman stated the small leather bound item turned out to be a British passport

[Raistlin]

I see that Poundland are going to start selling Pregnancy Tests.

If you have to buy your Pregnancy Test from Poundland, it's probably because you bought your condoms there as well.

[Raistlin]

I'm going to set a new world record for the slowest walker ever.

Watch this pace.

[Raistlin]

I don't mean to brag but I just finished a 14 day diet in 2 hours and 14 minutes.

[Raistlin]

Dear Scotland,

If you go, that's it. We don't want drunken phone calls in a few months saying what a huge mistake it was.

Regards,

England.

[Raistlin]

I've just started work as a human chess piece.

The money's good, I'm on knights this week.

[Raistlin]

Andorra played Wales in the Euros last night.

The mountain dwelling sheep shaggers had a decent night in the end.

They'd have struggled withouth Gareth Bale!

[Raistlin]

I'm still pondering whether to buy the new iPhone 6 or use the money to buy a lifetime supply of clothes for the family from Primark.

[Raistlin]

40 years ago, Rupert Murdoch said "Topless Women sell newspapers."

Now, I've been in loads of sweet shops before and it's usually an old Asian bloke.

[Raistlin]

For anyone wondering what "culpable homicide" means, it's when you're famous and can buy your way out of a murder charge.

[Raistlin]

Ladies, you can tell that the marketing campaign for the new iPhone is by a man because they're calling it the "6 Plus" when it only measures 5 1/2 inches at best.

[Raistlin]

In less than 24 hours donations to the Manchester dogs home that was struck by fire have reached over a million pounds.

In other charity news last weeks Oxfam appeal for Somalia has so far raised 27p, 2 washers and a folded chewing gum wrapper.

[Raistlin]

I was reading about a little girl got trapped in a washing machine in Birmingham.

It was filling up with water, and you can't open the door while it's running. Apparently her mum ran out to the car, grabbed a wrench, broke the glass and saved the girl, who was fine.

She's in the dryer now.

[Raistlin]

If you have your religious opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

[Raistlin]

"Cute accent, whereabouts are you from?"

"Essex."

"Which part?"

"All of me."