Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Mystery as fire at a Manchester dog home kills over 50 animals

Police are still looking for leads

[Raistlin]

Went into town today to pick up my wife's antidepressants, but forgot to take her prescription.

But then I remembered they don't require one in Thorntons.

[Raistlin]

Don't blame it on the sunshine,

Don't blame it on the moonlight,

Don't blame it on the good times,

Blame it on you thinking it was an intruder.

[Raistlin]

Louis van Gaal has said that he is looking for his players to restore the fear factor at Old Trafford.

Don't worry, Louis, the last few times I've seen them play there they've looked absolutely petrified.

[Raistlin]

I was in Edinburgh today, and saw a woman wearing a T-shirt that said, "Yes".

Long story short, I'm up on a rape charge tomorrow.

[Raistlin]

Facebook -

Where everyday is a depressing school reunion.

[Raistlin]

The first rule of Chelsea Supporters Club is...

Don't wear your old Man Utd shirt.

[Raistlin]

Phones 4 administrators.

[Raistlin]

The current Phones4U TV ad may need to be amended as staff have just seen their future selves.

Signing on at the dole office.

[Raistlin]

I've just been reading that thousands of elderly and vulnerable people have lost their state-funded home assistance as councils struggle to cope with slashed budgets. Ordinarily, I would make a joke on this subject but on this occasion my own mother is a victim and I just wanted to vent my fury at those penny-pinching cunts in Westminster. She is 98 years old, partially deaf and almost completely blind with severe arthritis and dementia. Last month, after falling over and breaking her femur bone, she lay undiscovered in her own filth for 2 days and she is no longer capable of carrying out basic tasks like cooking, cleaning and washing.

To be honest, if it gets much worse, I might have to move out.

[Raistlin]

I've just started dating a girl called Peg

I met her online

[Raistlin]

Katie Price has called her baby Bunny.

Nice bit of meat to go with the vegetable that she already has.

[Raistlin]

Glad we've got David Beckham's opinion on Scottish Independence. Just need Joey Essex's thoughts on fracking and that's Tuesday sorted.

[Raistlin]

"Katie Price in labour for over eight hours with baby bunny."

I'm not surprised. That's one hell of a warren to find your way out of.

[Raistlin]

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it's considered responsible.

But if you do that with your girlfriend, it's called "cheating."

[Raistlin]

"Phones4U" is changing its name to "P45s4US"

[Raistlin]

Read today that they are making jetpacks that would allow soldiers to run faster.

I imagine the french are ecstatic.

[Raistlin]

People are complaining about their iPhone batteries, saying how can they invent all these things but still have a shit Battery life. Well if you follow these two simple steps, you are guaranteed to have a Battery life that is 10 times or maybe even 15 times longer.

1) Put the phone in your pocket.

2) Leave it there.

Simple.

[Raistlin]

A few weeks after having an operation, I saw my doctor about my convalescence.

"What have you been doing?" he asked.

"Just sitting around all day, drinking tea, surfing the internet, texting my mates," I said.

He got angry and said, "I told you not to return to your job at the council offices for at least two months."

[Raistlin]

Every weekend I drive to the coast to search for bottles washed up on the shore, which may contain a message from someone in a far off land, hopefully with a name and details so I can contact them about how far their bottle has travelled.

I was really surprised to open one yesterday which read "Get a life you total wanker".

[Raistlin]

Mel B giving singing advice on the X-Factor?

Bit rich considering the only talent to ever come out of her mouth is Eddie Murphy's knob.

[Raistlin]

Proposing to my Thai girlfriend was one of the worst things I've ever done.

I went down on one knee and she teabagged me.

[Raistlin]

How many Scots does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. From Thursday they will be back to candles.

[Raistlin]

Hearing the independence vote is going to be incredibly tight.

So definitely Scottish then..

[Raistlin]

I've got 69 problems.

My girlfriend is a midget.