Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The Royal and Ancient Golf Club has voted in favour of allowing women members for the first time in its 260-year history.

A spokesman said, 'For years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good hoovering'

[Raistlin]

I met a gorgeous woman in a bar and said :

"Do you want to go to a party where everyone gets naked and drunk and ends up having sex?"

"Who's going?" she asked

"Just me and you" I replied

[Raistlin]

What's small, overweight and never let's go.

Scotland.

[Raistlin]

Disappointment for millions of Scots waking up this morning.

The pubs are back to normal opening hours today.

[Raistlin]

So, the Scots have voted the way we all expected.

With their wallets.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Will Smith and Scotland?

Independence Day.

[Raistlin]

When I was growing up, selfies were accidental Polaroids of our thumbs.

[Raistlin]

My Gran just asked me why I'm trying to be someone I'm not.

Her Alzheimer's is ruining our role-play sex night.

[Raistlin]

I was in an elevator with an attractive girl, when it suddenly stopped between floors.

"Well, this is awkward. What do you think we should do?" I asked her.

"Oh... I know exactly what I want you to do," she winked.

"Really?" I gulped.

"Yes," she smiled. "Take your bloody finger off the emergency stop button."

[Raistlin]

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.

Why didn't I think of that?

[Raistlin]

After the referendum, Scots are once again a divided nation.

Not into rich and poor, nor Catholic and Protestant, but into those who have a pair and those who don't.

[Raistlin]

Just went into Tesco's and saw a cake sale in aid of diabetes...

Oh the irony...

[Raistlin]

Clocks always run slower when they are near a black hole.

It's no wonder Katie Price is always late for appointments.

[Raistlin]

I have just been accused of being a heartless, arrogant posh bastard.

I was so upset I had my butler horsewhip the blighter

[Raistlin]

Is it just me or do Liverpool seem to have lost their bite this season?

[Raistlin]

"You seem a bit depressed today Dave," I said to the barman in our local.

"I suppose I am," he admitted. "I always thought I'd have a career working with people who have special needs."

"It's not too late," I reassured him.

"You think?" He brightened.

"Definitely," I replied. "Wetherspoons in the high street are always advertising for bar staff."

[Raistlin]

Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.

"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" he said.

[Raistlin]

After seeing all the leaked nude photos of celebrities lately, I'm not happy with my daughter having an iPhone.

They only come with 8 megapixel cameras.

[Raistlin]

Jimmy Savile would have loved Man Utd

They are easily penetrated and vulnerable at the back

[Raistlin]

My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some directions.

"What's the quickest way to get to the town centre?" she asked.

"Swap seats with your husband." He said.

[Raistlin]

What do Manchester United and Richard the Third have in common?

They both got buried in Leicester

[Raistlin]

What's the worst thing about dating a fat chick?

When you take her bra off and all the crumbs fall out.

[Raistlin]

They say there's a peeping tom in almost every street nowadays.

I know for a fact it's not the girl who lives opposite me.

She just sits in her bedroom most of the time watching TV and playing with her phone.

[Raistlin]

Tesco - Every fiddle helps.

[Raistlin]

Signed up for an assertiveness course.

First week the teacher never turned up.

Second week the teacher never turned up.

Third week no teacher again so I went to the office to complain.

They said, "Congratulations you've passed.".