Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My wife has just accused me of having sex with her identical twin sister.

I said, "Don't be stupid, I don't even fancy the ugly bitch."

[Raistlin]

My wife said I was highly intelligent because I didn't understand sarcasm.

What a lovely compliment.

[Raistlin]

Following India's successful Mars Obiter Mission, North Korea's Kim Jong-Un has announced his plans to launch their own satellite too.

Apparently, they found a new stack of rubber bands.

[Raistlin]

The doctor recommends cutting back on alcohol for a better quality of life...

That's easy to say, he's never met my wife

[Raistlin]

India has managed to put a satellite in to orbit around Mars.

With its inhospitable climate and communication difficulties due to its remoteness, India is home to many call centres.

[Raistlin]

Shopping in B&Q today I opened a bottle of cleaning fluid, took a sniff and recoiled at the smell. A passing assistant saw me..

"You should try this one perhaps?" He smarmed, indicating towards a more expensive brand. "it's completely odourless."

"Brilliant, that's just what I'm after." I said, "Question is, will she be able to taste it?"

[Raistlin]

Four men in Balaclavas have been filmed running up one of Glasgow's busiest streets with rucksacks and axes after raiding one of the City's upmarket shops.

Staff in Poundland are said to be shaken badly by the incident.

[Raistlin]

So Tesco have reported that their revenue is £250 million down on expectations!

Easter eggs at Christmas.

Halloween gear at Easter.

Fireworks in June.

Christmas decorations at Halloween.

Yeah, no idea what the problem is.

[Raistlin]

The benefits of joining ISIS:

* A new identity.

* Intense religious indoctrination.

* A virgin bride to marry.

Oh, sorry... That's Scientology.

[balli hi]

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.

" hey show us your !Removed!, ye !Removed! penguins !" shouts one of them.

Mother superior turns to sister Immaculata , "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross"

So sister Immaculata rolls down the window and shouts, "screw you ye foo-king little wan-kers , before i come over there and rip yer balls off and ram them down ya scrawny little neck"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the mother superior and says "was that cross enough ?"

[Raistlin]

If Take That had five members and two members left,

how much tax does Gary Barlow owe...

[Raistlin]

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Brits think that the country is divided.

The other 50 percent think it isn't.

[Raistlin]

Emma Watson has said that she is disappointed after it was revealed that a threat to publish nude photos of her online was a viral marketing hoax.

She's disappointed? I've just wasted £2.09 on a box of mansize Kleenex.

[Raistlin]

The FBI says it has a definite ID for 'Jihadi John'.

Well, to be precise, it's his CIA payroll no.

[Raistlin]

A new virus called "Shellshock" is affecting Apple computers.

The main effect seems to be removal of users smugness.

[Raistlin]

Did you know that the vaginal tissue in the female anatomy is among the last to decompose in the whole body?

Neither did I, but was fucking when I found out.

[Raistlin]

The first female air force pilot in the United Arab Emirates is to lead airstrikes against ISIS militants in Syria...

...as soon as she can get the plane out of reverse.

[Raistlin]

This Shellshock virus is worse than an STD.

I cant even have a bash without getting infected.

[Raistlin]

The first female air force pilot in the United Arab Emirates is to lead airstrikes against ISIS militants in Syria.

Cool.

All she needs now is for someone to drive her to the air base ...

[Raistlin]

I was surprised to hear Stephen Fry admitting taking cocaine in Buckingham palace.

I thought he just liked the odd fag now and again

[Raistlin]

Took my new iPhone to Uri Geller to see if he could fix it.

"I'll only make it worse," he said

[Raistlin]

This government must think us Scots are thick making us believe they were going to give us more power.

I've just checked and we're still only getting 240 volts.

[Raistlin]

We've just come back from a holiday in Spain.

My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home.

She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird shit and you can't understand a word they say."

So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland.

[Raistlin]

The FBI say they now know the real name of Jihadi John ;

That may not prove too significant , considering how long they knew the real name of Osama bin Laden.

[Raistlin]

The rise of ISIS in the Middle East was largely driven by the UK and US's bombing campaign, which left the region in a chaotic state.

Not to worry though, we have a plan to sort all this out.

We're going back in with a new bombing campaign.