Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Wella the hair gel franchise are said to be paying off 300 employees in coming weeks.

It has sent shockwaves throught the whole company.

[Raistlin]

You know you've been using your sex doll too much when you walk into the bedroom and she's standing up on her own.

[Raistlin]

Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Neither, it's my new iPhone.

[Raistlin]

"Hello everyone, welcome to the Smartass Club. Please take a seat."

"TAKE IT WHERE?"

[Raistlin]

Keira Knightley's topless shoot is powerful and feminist, but any man who looks at it is creepy and misogynist.

[Raistlin]

I once read that a couple who have a brush with death together develop a deeper bond, so last night during sex I strangled my wife.

My girlfriend and I have never been closer...

[Raistlin]

Just watched this week's episode of Scott & Bailey in which a gay man was murdered after having his front door smashed in.

Euphemism opportunity badly missed there.

[Raistlin]

Cosmopolitan magazine had a poll, and they named Katie Price as the most hated celebrity in the UK.

And I thought, "That's not fair ...

Other countries hate her too."

[Raistlin]

If you're feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you

[Raistlin]

How many Louis van Gaal's does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in and another to try and explain afterwards why the light still doesn't work

[Raistlin]

I went over to help my lesbian neighbours with their washing.

They went mad and threw me out of their bathroom.

[Raistlin]

Josie Cunningham may not be able to join the WAGS but she's already joined the DWS - Dumb White Slags - after being impregnated by a fake Curtis Davies.

[Raistlin]

Armed robbery on a bank.

It can provide a life of luxury and relaxation, never having to worry about money, food, bills or amenities again.

And that's just if you get caught.

[Raistlin]

I told my colleague that I'm taking this hot girl on a date tonight. He suggested that shaving my pubes would be a good idea, giving me a wink at the same time. So I took his advice.

In hindsight I should have probably taken her to a restaurant instead.

[Raistlin]

CHART UPDATE

Forcing his way in to the number two spot it's Dr Fox

[Raistlin]

I was showing an American colleague who was over on a business conference the sights.

"Wow," he said. "I can't believe how small and compact everything is. Your cars, your buildings, your TV's, and even your food portions."

Then I introduced him to my wife. That shut him up.

[Raistlin]

The Government have announced from the 1st October 2014 motorists are no longer required to display a tax disc in their vehicles.

A spokesman for motorists groups in Liverpool said : "This is nothing new, we started the trend in 1956"

[Raistlin]

So Yusra Hussien is the youngest girl from the UK to go and join ISIS in Syria and is said to want to become a 'Jihadi Bride'.

I'm not entirely sure shes been paying attention.

Shes 15 years old for petes sake, what self respecting Jihadi Muslim is going to be interested in an old hag?

[Raistlin]

I asked my doctor if it was normal for guys to get an erection when he sticks his finger up their ass during a prostate exam.

"Yes" he replied, "but your the first one to grab my wrist and ride it reverse cowgirl. "

[Raistlin]

After my mate killed my wife in a car accident, I told him, "You'll never know how this feels."

Then he proved me wrong by winning the lottery.

[Raistlin]

My wife says sex is so much better since I've been circumcised.

She's been shagging the next door neighbour while mine recovers.

[Raistlin]

PE teacher, 24, who had sex with teenage pupils after bombarding them with texts and taking them to McDonald's is jailed.

How low can you stoop?

He took them to McDonald's

[Raistlin]

A North London woman stabbed her husband because she claimed he wouldn't stop playing Eagles music.

She told police she stabbed him with those steely knives, but she just couldn't kill the beast.

[Raistlin]

Katie Price is said to be furious with the photo hackers who have been leaking naked celebrity pictures.

They haven't published a single one she's sent them.

[Raistlin]

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will.

There's no need to remind him every six months about it.