Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

If I had a pound for every time I got suspicious...

I'd wonder who the hell was paying me, and why?

[Raistlin]

I cornered my new secretary at work today and asked her for a blow job.

"Err, I'd like to keep it professional, if you don't mind." She told me.

So I offered to pay for it.

[Raistlin]

Sky News: "Emergency services were afraid they could be swamped by a torrent of melted ice."

I believe the technical term is "water".

[Raistlin]

The Mirror reports that a Pensioner opened a mystery package - and found £100 worth of cannabis.

She turned the £40 quid's worth of weed over to the Police, who didn't see any need to pursue a tenner's worth of pot.

[Raistlin]

The 3 presenters of Top Gear have been pelted with stones and bricks in Argentina after the locals were offended by Jeremy Clarkson's number plate which appears to relate to the Falklands conflict.

To be honest he should have thrown a pebble out of the window and Argentina would have surrendered

[Raistlin]

After Prince Charles commented on the poor standard of English in British schools,

A spokesman for the NUT said: "'E shouldn't comment on fings what he don't know nuffink about."

[Raistlin]

Daily Mail online: Scientists in Denmark have created a material they claim can 'suck the atmosphere' out of a room.

They're calling it Mywifeium.

[Raistlin]

I had to go and identify my wife's body.

"I'm honestly not sure," I said when they pulled back the sheet. "It might help if you shoved a piece of cake in her mouth?"

[Raistlin]

After being chased out of Argentina Jeremy Clarkson and Co are to move filming to Colombia.

Makes sense , That's where most top gear comes from

[Raistlin]

If I had £1 for every time I got confused in maths, I'd have 3lb 8oz and 5mm by now.

[Raistlin]

I heard a rumour that for Jeremy Clarkson's next stunt, he plans to drive round Bradford in a Porche with the number plate J1HAD.

[Raistlin]

JAIL FOR BEING GAY

British pensioner gets four months in a Morocco prison packed with 60 other men.

I'm not sure it's all that bad for him as his Facebook page has just one comment...

YESSSSSSSS

[Raistlin]

Officials in North Korea have confirmed that the ankle problems that put Kim Jong-Un in hospital were a result of him leaping a tall building in a single jump and landing awkwardly.

[Raistlin]

"Sorry I've been a bitch," said my wife. "It's that time of the month again."

I had a look at the calendar. "Oh yes," I said. "It's a day with a 'y' in it."

[Raistlin]

If I was Sky News I wouldn't be to worried about being held accountable for the McCann troll death.

Just say you were out having tapas with friends as an alibi.

[Raistlin]

Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday.

A spokesman said, "The people of Glasgow had no idea they had a library."

[Raistlin]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

[Raistlin]

MI6 have confirmed that a group of Britons fighting for Islamic State have been identified as members of 70s RocknRoll cover band, Jihaddywaddy.

[Raistlin]

I'm not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster?

[Raistlin]

Jeremy Clarkson has formally apologised to Argentina over the recent Top Gear number plate incident by sending them a bottle of his favourite Christmas drink.

Port Stanley.

[Raistlin]

Tuesday morning - "Two Ryanair planes collide on runway."

Tuesday afternoon - "Ryanair introduce 'crash experience' surcharge."

[Raistlin]

Katie Price's new boyfriend didn't realise just how big her vagina was.

He's still a bit wet behind the ears.

[balli hi]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no nonsense type of guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing send me your smile.

If you are eating send me a bite, if you are drinking, send me a sip.

if you are crying send me your tears, I love you"

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet........... Please advise"

[balli hi]

1: A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well i can clearly see your nuts"

2: I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but i couldn't find any.

3: I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

4: Doc i can't stop singing 'the green green grass of home', "that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome",

Is it common ?, "Its not unusual"

5: Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say he topped himself.

[Raistlin]

I went to a swingers party last night ,someone put a blindfold on me and I ran out the door

I don't know what came over me