Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull ?

Marry her

[Raistlin]

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.

The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"

The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."

The farmer shot him.

[Raistlin]

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside.

It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a houbik whisper.

"Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the £10,000 from your safe in the house ...

I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace.

I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you for income tax evasion..."

"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill.

"I have a small confession too.

I'm the one who poisoned you."

[Raistlin]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's into the dog trick aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well... not exactly.

More like she rolls over and plays dead."

[Raistlin]

A man takes his sick dog to the vet.

The vet lifts the dog onto the the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".

The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU.

The dog,s dead!!!

[Calisto]

I have not read these pages for ages....just caught up........had me LOLing.

[Bizarra]

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the Most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:

4th Place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amock. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place

It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.

The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.'

But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' , and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?'

And the winner is . . ...

This happened at a major Australian University , during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat'.

[Raistlin]

Why don't oysters give to charity ?

Because they're shellfish.

[Raistlin]

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.

She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

"Let me look." said the other one.

So she handed her the compact.

The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one.

"You dumbass -- that's ME!

[Raistlin]

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.

She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

[Raistlin]

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died.

The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female.

"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer.

"And the pig is a female, of course.

What the hell do you think I am Gay

[Raistlin]

These two men were cellmates for nine years.

One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me have you."

Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!"

Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who goes first.

So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.

They flipped a coin and Larry won.

Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?"

Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.

But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River......

[Raistlin]

A man walks in to a bar.

He and says ouch as it was an iron bar.

(Shame it wasn't Flexy or one of his various guises, it may have knocked some sense in to him)

[Raistlin]

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary.

Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.

She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a Jewish girl with a computer?

A computer that never goes down on you.

[Raistlin]

The seven kinds of passionate women

1.The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

2.The Pessimist - "No! No! No!"

3.The Confused - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"

4.The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping

5.The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"

6.The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

7.The Mathematician - "More! More! More! More!

[Raistlin]

Why do women wake up with a brain the size of a pea ?

It swells up over night.

[Raistlin]

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to Clint, "You going to die.

But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days.

On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

Clint says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse.

Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the butt.

The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

Clint says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse.

Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the butt.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead.

She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

Clint says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse.

Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

[Raistlin]

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play.

"What part?" the mother asked.

"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied.

"Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is there a male pharmacist available?"

"No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both pharmacists. How can we help you?"

The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days now, can you give me anything for it?"

"Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister."

Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you £400 cash and a half interest in the pharmacy."

[Raistlin]

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator.

She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you.

Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

[Raistlin]

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle ?

Wipe it off and say you're sorry.

[Raistlin]

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier".

At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".

The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.

The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."

[Raistlin]

After years of psychotherapy, John no longer believes he is a grain of wheat.

However, one day he and a friend came across a chicken, and John was terrified.

"Why are you so afraid, you're not a grain of wheat after all," his friend asked.

John replied, "You know it and I know it, but the chicken doesn't know it."

[Raistlin]

Why did the woman cross the road ?

More to the point, what was she doing outside of the kitchen ?