Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

When someone says, "It's better than sex" it's obvious that they haven't been having the right kind of sex.

[Raistlin]

What a birthday I've had.

First my daughters cooked a lovely family meal which we ate on the beach.

Then my wife washed up.

Then the police arrested me on suspicion of drowning my wife at sea

[Raistlin]

I said to my wife, "You look like a 70s pornstar laid there."

She said, "I know, my fanny does need shaving."

I said, "I meant your sideburns and moustache."

[Raistlin]

History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.

[Raistlin]

I went upto this fat chick last night.

"I've got a thing for large girls", I winked.

"have you now, tell me about it then", she smiled.

"it's called a gastric band love!"

[Raistlin]

The Pope accepted the resignation of a Bishop who slept with a woman, because the Catholic Church had to draw the line somewhere.

[Raistlin]

The British man who was jailed for homosexual acts in Morocco describes prison as horrendous.

"Guards wearing white socks with black trousers, non organic produce in the canteen, last seasons prison wear and the absence of men's skin care products at the prison shop. It was a never ending nightmare."

[Raistlin]

Went to a supermarket today, looked really big on the outside. When we got in it was only lidl.

[Raistlin]

After being shown a chihuahua in a hat, a Yorkie in a poncho and a Labrador wearing a jumper, I made my excuses and left.

It was clear we had very different ideas about 'going back to her house for some doggy-fashion'.

[Raistlin]

It was my son's birthday yesterday.

I said to him last night, "Blow out the candles and make a wish."

He said, "I wish you got me a cake."

[Raistlin]

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."

What?

"Never mind"

What's the problem?

"Nothing"

Please tell us?

"You know what the problem is."

[Raistlin]

The bad news is that North Korea have built an atomic suitcase bomb that they could slip into this country.

The good news, Ryanair lost it.

[Raistlin]

I'm not saying my wife's fat, but when the scary bits come on Doctor Who the sofa hides behind her.

[Raistlin]

Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%.

I've done the maths. I am immortal.

[Raistlin]

Toyota have apologised for not spotting the fault which causes loss of control.

They would have noticed it sooner if the Yaris had actually been bought by men.

[Raistlin]

I was very disappointed after reading today that a man can get paid 60 pounds just for donating his sperm.

It's tragic just to think about all that money I've let slip through my fingers!

[Raistlin]

According to serving suggestions, I'm a family of four.

[Raistlin]

I've just seen the Halfords Christmas advert 'Nothing Beats A Bike'.

So true, when I was a kid it was Tracy from number 37.

[Raistlin]

The first rule of Innuendo Club is you can only enter via the back door

[Raistlin]

What do you call a piece of riding apparatus that loves rubbing up against young ponies?

Jimmy Saddle.

[Raistlin]

I had a wet dream about you last night.

You got hit by a truck and I pissed myself laughing

[Raistlin]

Cheap tart in a plastic covering that serves 4 - 600 men

That's why Peter went to Iceland.

[Raistlin]

"Life begins at 40" My wife shouted excitedly

"Only another few stone to go then." I whispered.

[Raistlin]

A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The barman says, "I'm serving Narnia!"

[Raistlin]

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.

That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub