Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."

"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."

"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."

[Raistlin]

"On a scale of 1-10 how.."

"10!"

"..Impatient are you?"

[Raistlin]

Scientists have apologised after inadvertently landing the philae space probe on Kim Kardashians ass instead of a comet. Saying "Given the similar size and inhospitable environments, it was an easy mistake to make."

[Raistlin]

I've just realised 'Top of the Pops 2' is the name of the programme and not the number of presenters not to have been prosecuted for historic sex offences.

[Raistlin]

After landing a probe on the surface of a comet, NASA have announced even more ambitious plans.

They're going to put a ginger on the cover of Vogue.

[Raistlin]

10 years in pursuit and the Rosetta probe lands safely on a speeding comet. Meanwhile Malaysian airways are still struggling to land safely on Earth

[Raistlin]

So FIFA have found no evidence of corruption in awarding the World Cup to Qatar.

In other news all the paedophile's rounded up in operation Yewtree have been released from prison after an investigation headed by Rolf Harris found there was no case to answer.

[Raistlin]

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.

[Raistlin]

Kim Kardashian's huge overrated ass is all over the Internet today...

But enough about Kanye.

[Raistlin]

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: A tiger has been spotted at a car park near Disneyland Paris.

People should take caution and also keep their eyes out for a pooh bear and a piglett.

[Raistlin]

I hear that the Philae lander has been declared officially dead by ESA.

Apparently not, its just pining for the fjords!

[Raistlin]

A man in Canada has been accused of impersonating a soldier at a remembrance day ceremony.

Suspicious have proved to be true as authorities have confirmed the man is indeed French.

[Raistlin]

Kim kardashian. The first woman in history to possess more crack than Harlem

[Raistlin]

I'm not sure if Kim Kardashian has actually managed to 'break the internet', but she's certainly put a big crack in it!

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend said she thinks I am an alcoholic which shocked me.

I had no idea she could think.

[Raistlin]

When an American says "you do the math", you should offer to assist him in his grammar also.

[Raistlin]

"My wife doesn't understand me like you do."

I said to the fourteen year old, Polish prostitute.

[Raistlin]

I recently saved loads of money on my car insurance.

I got caught drink driving and I've been banned for 2 years.

[Raistlin]

I was surprised to see S Club 7 on Children in Need friday night...

Even more so to see that Pat Butcher off Eastenders is now their lead singer.

[Raistlin]

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

[Raistlin]

I was surprised to hear the new Paddingnton Bear movie had been given a Parental Guidance certificate and couldn't figure it out at all. It all made sense when I realised it was really Paddintgton Bare

[Raistlin]

Bob Geldof is reported to be furious at sales of the new Isis charity single , if they know its Christmas then they are to be shot

[Raistlin]

Bird Flu hits the UK - experts say not to worry as it's no where near as bad as Man Flu.

[Raistlin]

Feminists have fought years for equal rights in Great Britain.

So how frustrating for them even in this day in age that a little green or red man tells them when they can or cannot cross the road