Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I've just attended my first live autopsy.

I don't consider myself squeamish but I was relieved when the heart was removed and the screaming stopped.

[Raistlin]

I overheard someone outside the shopping centre today shouting to this guy, "You can't park in the disabled space you fricking retard!"

I thought, "Surely that means he can."

[Raistlin]

Only katie price could be a mother, a dancer, author, model and even a jungle correspondent, amongst others can do all that and being completely shit at every single one of them ... Brilliant really.

[Raistlin]

As I watched the news and heard that Gemma Collins leaving "I'm a Celebrity..", I was utterly shocked and bemused, I mean...

Who the hell is Gemma Collins...?

[Raistlin]

Last night's match revealed three more reasons for the Scotland to stay in the uk.

[Raistlin]

I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help.

So I hired a hitman.

[Raistlin]

My wife said sex was getting boring and she wanted to try something new. She asked me to strangle her during sex because she read it heightened the pleasure.

And it really did, for me anyway.

Her funeral is in 3 days....

[Raistlin]

I think real stalkers would be insulted by people who call themselves "facebook stalkers."

Oooh, you click around on different profiles hoping to find tagged pictures of that cute babe you met in a club. You are so edgy and dangerous.

Try camping out in front of Cheryl Coles's house wearing a nappy and night vision goggles then maybe we'll talk

[Raistlin]

I'm really upset that Gemma Collins has left the jungle.

I would love to see her squirm eating something she thought was really nasty, like a salad.

[Raistlin]

My wife found out I'm having an affair with an air stewardess and, boy, was she furious..

Made the rest of the flight very awkward.

[Raistlin]

I can't believe how much sex I managed to get at my first ever gay orgy in Glasgow yesterday.

I was really happy with my performance.

By the end of the night I was on Macleod nine.

[Raistlin]

On the way to work today, I passed a house with a huge England flag and a white van in the drive.

I am such a snob!

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend had a go at me for using too much sexual innuendo.

'Its really immature and annoying, you have to stop it'

'Its..just..so..hard' I replied.

[Raistlin]

BRITAIN'S first bus powered by human waste took to the streets today.

Later models will be turbo-charged using laxatives.

RULES FOR THE NEW BIO-BUS:

Just remember when offering your seat to a woman do not leave the lid up.

When approaching your stop, please ring the bell by pulling the chain.

When purchasing a ticket, first and second class travel will be referred to as number one and number two.

Britain's first bus powered by human waste was fined for speeding today.

The driver blamed it on last night's curry.

The first Bio-Bus has done a ton on the motorway.

The Police are advising caution and to treat it as a roundabout.

[Raistlin]

Ched Evans is distraught at being dropped by Sheffield United.

"How on Earth am I going to get another trial now? " He was heard to comment.

Easy Ched, just rape someone else.

[Raistlin]

I've just tried to check out the bus timetables online for the 'poo powered' bus service in Bristol.

Unfortunately it wouldn't let me 'Log on'

[Raistlin]

Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.

After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.

[Raistlin]

Taking inspiration from 'I'm a celebrity' I ate a cows testicle, a pigs eyeball and a sheeps penis last night.

Or a Lidl sausage roll as it's known.

[Raistlin]

Everyone in Australia must be shitting their selves after their first reported death by abowler.

[Raistlin]

Word of the Day: Eskihoe

A girl that wears UGG boots and a miniskirt at the same time.

[Raistlin]

I'm watching clips on the news of the rioting and looting in Ferguson, it's absolutely disgu-

Oh, wait, it's a video of Black Friday in Tesco.

[Raistlin]

So there I am in front of the pc, watching Redtube, volume off and making sure not to make any noise, and still the librarian complains!

[Raistlin]

Lewis Hamilton declared it to be best day of his life.

To be fair if Nicole Scherzinger kissed my helmet on live TV I'd do the same!

[Raistlin]

I was telling my colleague at work that since my wife died I've lost so much weight.

"Missing the home cooking?" he sympathised.

"No," I replied. "I just skip everywhere."

[Raistlin]

I've started working for a company who lets me sleep most of the day,as long as I tell them about the experience when I wake up.

It's a dream job.