Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I love how music takes you away to another place. For example, Coldplay is playing at this bar, so now I'm going to another bar.

[Raistlin]

There could be between 10,000 and 13,000 victims of slavery in the UK, higher than previous figures, analysis for the Home Office suggests.

Well, Amazon have quite a few warehouses now.

[Raistlin]

Every major supermarket in Britain now has a Polish section.

It's usually called a Staff Room.

[Raistlin]

I hate Christmas jumpers.

Taking your own life at this time of year is devastating for the relatives

[Raistlin]

I have just finished watching the Japanese porn version of The Wizard of Oz - I particularly liked the big song and dance number "swallow the yellow dick's load."

[Raistlin]

As the Christmas season is upon us again I like to think of the poorer and less fortunate among us.

Take Mr Brown next door for example. He can only afford an iPhone 5 for his kids.

[Raistlin]

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

[Raistlin]

What do ISIS want for Christmas?

Turkey, apparently.

[Raistlin]

I did my bit for World Aids Day on 1st December 2014.

I had unprotected sex with three Thai hookers.

[Raistlin]

For the first time in footballing history, an Irish woman has made FIFA's goal of the year shortlist.

The way she took her top off to celebrate really captured the judges' imagination.

[Raistlin]

I remember my dad got really angry when I walked in on him and my mum doing kinky stuff in their bedroom.

I felt really bad afterwards. All I wanted was to play with the goat.

[Raistlin]

'I'm looking for a book on lack of empathy', I asked the librarian.

'Do I look like I give a toss ?', he snapped.

"Yes, that's the one', I said

[Raistlin]

What's The Cosby Show ?

His cock apparently.

[Raistlin]

At Christmas time I have "Fairy-tale of New York" as my mobile ringtone, I love the song so much.

Once it starts I can't stop singing along.

On the down-side, I have 62 missed calls.

[Raistlin]

I wasn't sure if enough people know that I'm a massive tosser.

So I posted a picture of my Christmas tree on Facebook.

[Raistlin]

My wife looks exactly like a Bond girl.

Its just a shame its Judi Dench

[Raistlin]

My friend gave me some wood and asked me to make a building from it.

It was easier Shed than Dome.

[Raistlin]

In a landmark ruling Scotland has decided to lower it's drink drive limit.

From midnight it will no longer be acceptable to drive whilst unconscious.

[Raistlin]

I asked the wife what she wants for Christmas this year "some chocolate and a Nice surprise would be lovely " she replied .

Kinder egg it is then,..

[Raistlin]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was

precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a breastfeeding mum and Nigel Farage?

One makes members of the public feel uncomfortable and should be made to sit in a corner,

the other should be allowed to get her tits out whenever she likes.

[Raistlin]

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.

And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~The Disclaimers.

[Raistlin]

"Do you want me to organise the Christmas party this year?" I asked my boss.

"After last year's debacle? Are you serious?" He shook his head, "Drunken public sex, fighting and arrests?"

I looked at him bewildered. "But nothing like that happened."

"Exactly."

[Raistlin]

Claudia Schiffer's Vauxhall Mokka is fitted with their new Hill Descent Control.

I've had that in my car for years.

It's called a brake.

[Raistlin]

British-American national Luke Somers, held as a hostage by al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula, has been saved from being beheaded by his captors.

America sent in their special forces and shot him.