Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I'm in Wolverhampton, watching the typhoon that's sweeping over the Philippines.

It's upsetting seeing the ramshackle houses, the devastation and the thousands of displaced foreigners.

I wonder what it's like in the Philippines.

[Raistlin]

I watch so much porn that I spit on my hot dogs before I eat them

[Raistlin]

Went to the doctor's yesterday.

He said "Would you take all your clothes off and go stand by the window please?

'Why?' says I.

'I don't like the people who live opposite' he replied.

[Raistlin]

A woman went to the chemist. She asked, "Do you have any strychnine?"

The chemist asked, "Good Heavens! What would you want with that?"

The woman answered, "My husband is cheating and maybe this will make him stop."

The chemist replied, "It would be illegal for me to sell you anything you intend to use to murder someone."

"I don't guess this will make a difference, but here are some photos showing him in bed with your wife."

The chemist answers, "You should have told me you had a prescription for the strychnine. I'll have it for you in a minute."

[Raistlin]

This is a frightening statistic....

25% of women in the UK are on medication for mental illness.

That's Scary.....

It means 75% are walking around untreated.

[Raistlin]

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If SHE asks you, it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to!

[Raistlin]

Every time the wife and I get into a fight over how fat she's got, she goes off with another man.

Mr Kipling, usually.

[Raistlin]

"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.

"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned.

[Raistlin]

My son said, "Dad, did you know. In other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"

I said, "It's the same everywhere, son."

[Raistlin]

I for one am all for helping the police in their search for Madeleine McCann and think it is great that a team of them are going back to Portugal to help look for her.

In fact I even helped them carry their golf clubs to check in.

[Raistlin]

"So, how long have you had problems getting an erection?" asked the nurse.

"She's a bit sure of herself," I said to the dentist.

[Raistlin]

Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.

[Raistlin]

There's three types of women in this world

Those that spit

Those that swallow

And my wife.....

[Raistlin]

The best way to get your true weight is to get on the scales naked.

Which is why Im no longer allowed in my local Boots.

[Raistlin]

The two British men who joined Kurdish forces fighting Islamic State in Syria were treated like suspected terrorist when they returned to the UK.

They each pick up the keys to their 5 bedroom detached house on Monday

[Raistlin]

Dear ASDA Self Service

My item IS in the bagging area. If I was trying to steal it do you honestly think I would have scanned it in the fricking first place?

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday.

Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

[Raistlin]

Police say the hostage-taker in the Sydney coffee shop may be a rival business owner, as he was heard shouting something about 'Alan's Snackbar'.

[Raistlin]

I'm always trying to do those extra chores around the house just to score brownie points with the wife.

But every time I go to cash those points in, it seems that the "bank" is always closed.

Which is why I've had to resort to internet banking...

[Raistlin]

Daily Mail: "Child rapist who bribed his victim with VIP tickets for a One Direction concert is jailed for 18 years"

Hopefully he will get extra for the rape.

[Raistlin]

I learnt 2 interesting facts today.

1. You can fit 36 biros into a human anus.

2. I need to get a girlfriend.

[Raistlin]

One tectonic plate bumped into another and said.....

"Sorry, my fault."

[Raistlin]

At Christmas time, I like to buy my nephews something noisy, something that whines and drones on and on to annoy my brother and his wife.

Normally it's bell and drum style toys but this year is a winner,

..I got them the Justin Bieber's Christmas special.

[Raistlin]

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

But he runs Facebook.

[Raistlin]

The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred.