Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

All these movie tie-ins are getting on my nerves.

This morning in the supermarket they had "Frozen" peas...

[Raistlin]

Liverpool have bid £20m for Miranda.

There's no way she'll be funnier than their current defence.

[Raistlin]

The EU has ruled that obesity qualifies as a disability.

From next month, every space in McDonald's car park will have a wheelchair painted on it.

[Raistlin]

The only thing bigger than my girlfriend's clit is her Adam's Apple.

[Raistlin]

Dating someone at work is like wetting the bed.

You don't quite know how it started, maybe a drunken haze, and while its nice, warm and cozy for a bit it quickly goes cold, nasty and you end up quite embarrassed over the whole thing.

[Raistlin]

I saw a couple of tramps freezing on my street last night. Being the kind of guy I am I went and told him I have 2 spare rooms at my house.

I love showing off.

[Raistlin]

I told my doctor, "My girlfriend thinks I'm paranoid."

"What do you want me to do?" he asked.

I said, "Stop having sex with her."

[Raistlin]

I always thought my neighbour had Tourette's Syndrome, but it turns out he's just a Chav.

[Raistlin]

I've just bought the British IBS Society's charity advent calendar.

For Pete's sake, somebody open a window.

[Raistlin]

Caroline Flack has described winning Strictly Come Dancing as being "...the best experience of my life." which just proves one thing.

Harry Styles is shit in bed.

[Raistlin]

Why is Katie Price's vagina like an Ice Rink?

It's big, wet and slippery and loads of people find it fun to use, but someone always ends up getting hurt

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Muhammad Ali admitted to hospital with pneumonia.

The doctors have said it's nothing to worry about, he'll shake it off in no time.

[Raistlin]

I must be so lucky, all the beautiful girls that message me when I sign into a free porn site are from my home town.

What are the odds?

[Raistlin]

North Korea is back online after internet outage.

Sources say South Korea changed the wifi password.

[Raistlin]

A man drove in to a crowd of shoppers in Nantes shouting "Allah Akbar", leaving ten people injured.

I'm not saying the French are soft but our binmen are more deadly than their terrorists.

[Raistlin]

North Koreans are wondering why their computers were unusable for nine hours.

They call it a cyber-attack. It the west it's better known as Windows Update.

[Raistlin]

I make a fortune as a freelance cab driver at nights, I just go in pubs at random and call,

"Taxi for Spartacus. "

[Raistlin]

Somewhere in Nazareth,

"Jesus, will you shut that door, you weren't born in a barn you know. "

"Mum, dads taking the piss again."

[Raistlin]

This year, we've decided to have our Christmas dinner on 5th January.

Thanks a bunch, Sainsbury's online.

[Raistlin]

I just checked the NORAD website, and it's not looking good.

They lost contact with Santa somewhere over the Ukraine.

[Raistlin]

We've just played the Christmas edition of Cluedo.

My wife murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven.

[Raistlin]

" Cliff spotted on Rosetta comet "

Nothing says 'guilty' quite like travelling 250 million miles to avoid Operation Yewtree.

[Raistlin]

Please Santa whatever you do, DO NOT drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!

[Raistlin]

No matter how old you are, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a light sabre.

[Raistlin]

The letter C keeps sticking on my computer. If I don't press it hard enough it doesn't appear.

Looking a holiday I was searching for canal cruising.

No my wife didn't believe me either.