Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I've got a Katie Price advent calendar...

The flaps are already open.

[Raistlin]

North Korea won't impress me until they hack and release Iggy Azalea's rumoured sex tape

[Raistlin]

As an avid UKIP supporter, I blocked the chimney this Christmas to stop any Laps getting in.

They come over here, take our mince pies and carrots...

[Raistlin]

Oh to be a fly on the wall looking at Peter Andre's face as he takes the first mouthful of his Iceland 3 bird roast for £2.99.

[Raistlin]

From me and the kids, a very Merry Christmas to all friends and family!

And to the guy who did the components and instruction manual for the Lego mega sized jumbo jet...

I hope you die a slow an painful death

[Raistlin]

I couldn't believe my luck when my wife suggested a sex holiday.

"Oooh," I said, "what did you have in mind?"

"6 months," she replied, "or maybe a year if I'm still not in the mood."

[Raistlin]

Before I shagged a ginger prostitute last night, we started to haggle about the price.

"40", "100". "50", "90".

Eventually she paid me seventy quid.

[Raistlin]

My wife made me take my three year old son for a haircut earlier.

There was punching, kicking, crying, screaming, even grabbed the hairdresser's tits at one point.

The kid was well behaved though.

[Raistlin]

I was in Tesco yesterday when this woman dropped down dead in front of me.

She'd just bought a bag for life.

Irony's a bitch.

[Raistlin]

As me and my mates got out the taxi the driver said, "Aren't you tipping me?"

I'll admit it took us a good 5 minutes, but we eventually got it on its roof.

[Raistlin]

If you're addicted to porn

You can now get Tablets for it

[Raistlin]

My daughter's new school uniform is really quite slutty,

thats just one of the benefits of home schooling.

[Raistlin]

I failed an audition to star in a porno to a Chinese guy because at the end I couldn't manage the money shot.

I've learnt my lesson for next time - don't beat off more than Yu Can Chu.

[Raistlin]

hen my brother and I were five, we would sneak into my gran's bedroom and have a suck on the sticks of rock she kept in her bedside cabinet.

Now we're older, we don't like to think about it too much

[Raistlin]

I hear Dave Lee Travis has started seeing an actress!

Well she did appear in a nativity a week or so ago.

[Raistlin]

My new blow up doll I got for Christmas has put on weight already after all the Christmas festivities.

Maybe I should empty her!

[Raistlin]

Malaysian Air Traffic Control have confirmed the "unusual route" the pilot wished to take before losing contact.

Down.

[Raistlin]

Outside my local school the kids were selling chocolate to raise money for eczema awareness.

So I bought a Flake.

[Raistlin]

It's a little-known fact that legendary stunt motorcyclist Evel Knievel had the same IQ as professor Stephen Hawking.

Ironically, they also shared a love of ramps.

[Raistlin]

"Get yourself dressed love," I said to my wife, "it's two courses for a tenner today."

"Great, I'm starving" she replied.

"What the hell are you on about?" I said, "I need you to carry my golf clubs."

[Raistlin]

Specialist Ebola doctors are concerned after a case has been confirmed in Glasgow.

It means the virus is now resistant to alcohol.

[Raistlin]

I was going to tell a joke about Air Asia and Malaysian Airways, but I think it would land me in deep water.

[Raistlin]

I was shocked when I saw my Korean neighbour eating a very rare dog earlier.

I prefer mine medium to well.

[Raistlin]

The missus rang me at work and asked me where is the best place to go for an accident at home because she doesn't want to sit in A&E for hours.

I sent her to B&Q.

[Raistlin]

I bought one of those Universal remotes.

First time I used it, 45 people were killed on the Harry Potter ride.