Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A hike in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that i'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.

[Raistlin]

Glasgow has been through some traumatic ordeals recently.

What with the bin lorry accident last week, and now the cases of Ebola, locals are left wondering what's next?

Pubs closing at 10pm?

[Raistlin]

My wife said that she wanted a Selfie Stick for Christmas.

Or "dildo" as they call them in Ann Summers.

[Raistlin]

It's only my first day at the gym and I already lost 5 lbs.

Seriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights

[Raistlin]

Breaking news - Suicidal blonde kills twin by mistake

[Raistlin]

Two minutes in and there goes my 'no wanking in 2015' resolution.

I did my best, but those fireworks were just too damn sexy.

[Raistlin]

Knighthood for the father of Viagra

Arise Sir John Thomas

[Raistlin]

I was two hours into watching what I thought was the Aldi Christmas advert the other night when I realized it was the Jools Holland Annual Hootenanny.

[Raistlin]

My New Year's Resolution was to stop making innuendo jokes about my sexual stamina.

Day two and so far so good.

I just hope I can keep it up.

[Raistlin]

I was shocked to see how much my train fare to work has gone up. So I found a cheaper alternative.

I bought a train.

[Raistlin]

That Lynx Effect really works.

I sprayed myself with Lynx Africa just an hour ago and already I'm starving and covered in flies...

[Raistlin]

Following his motorbike accident, Bono says he might not be able to play the guitar again.

What does he mean, "again"?

[Raistlin]

An American woman has alleged that Prince Andrew forced her to have sex with him while she was still a minor.

Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace has offered the woman a goodwill gift of a trip to Paris complete with chauffeur-driven Mercedes.

[Raistlin]

My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.

"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.

I said, "Where the hell am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend has told me she is never going to indulge in my sadomasochism tendencies anymore.

I was so hurt, I came in my trousers.

[Raistlin]

Michael O'Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.

"That will be one Euro, please," says the barman.

"That's a very fair price," replies O'Leary.

"Would you like a glass with that, sir?" asks the barman.

[Raistlin]

I have just received an envelope marked – Photographs Do Not Bend.

The Royal Mail has, however, proven that they do.

Congratulations.

Arseholes.

[Raistlin]

When it said in the papers about Prince Andrew being 5th in line I thought, that was some party.

[Raistlin]

How many people does it take for Prince Andrew to be accused of gang rape?

One.

And one's friends.

[Raistlin]

"I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time."

Said the Malaysian shark.

[Raistlin]

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

[Raistlin]

There's rumours Ched Evans could sign for Oldham Athletic.

The club have denied reports they're changing their name to Oldham Down.

[Raistlin]

Just to be clear, drinking beer in your basement alone is technically not considered brewing.

[Raistlin]

As a social experiment I had my son wear a Manchester United shirt. So far he's been kicked,punched,spat on and verbally abused.

I dread to think what will happen when he gets out of the house.

[Raistlin]

I'm glad they found the door for the latest missing plane.

At least we can have some closure on this one.