Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

So Steven Gerrard's birthday falls on the same day as the FA Cup final.

What a cracking send off it would be if someone could get him a ticket.

[Raistlin]

"It's a bit icy out there," said my wife. "Any chance you could polish my boots for me before I go out?"

The leather hasn't come up too well, but you should see the shine on those soles.

[Raistlin]

My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

[Raistlin]

I was admitted to hospital suffering a severe case of sexual frustration but after 48 hours I discharged myself.

[Raistlin]

How many iPhone Dictation texts does it take to change a light bulb?

Too - won toot hexed it hand Anne other two reed it

[Raistlin]

The mother of a feared gang founder, Bassam Hamzy, has undergone emergency surgery after being shot through the front door of her home in Sydney.

Another act of mindless, destructive, thoughtless vandalism. New doors aren't cheap to replace.

[Raistlin]

Oldham Athletic: "We were so drunk, we can't remember whether we agreed personal terms with Ched Evans or not...

...and by law, that means we definitely didn't".

[Raistlin]

I was in the pub with my girlfriend last night when she said, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, babe," I replied, stroking her hair. "What is it?"

She said, "Why are you with me?"

I said, "Because I love you."

She said, "I know, but this is the ladies toilets and I'm trying to have a dump."

[Raistlin]

Following the murder of innocent cartoonists in Paris, the French will have to draw their own conclusions about the reason behind the attack

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend caught me wanking over porn on my computer.

She shouted, "Explain!"

I replied, "Well I typed into Google 'sexy girl,' clicked on a few links, and one thing lead to another

[Raistlin]

After Oldham said no to signing him, Ched Evans has said it doesn't matter and he's going to play for them anyway.

[Raistlin]

I've drawn a cartoon picture of Mohamed and signed it Kim Jong-un.

Let's see where this goes.

[Raistlin]

'Rita Ora's plunging jacket attracts hundreds of complaints from The One Show viewers' - quite right, it was truly shocking; the more I replayed it, the more revolted I got.

[Raistlin]

I decided to help in the search for the 11 year old autistic boy missing in South London.

My strategy was the best way to find an autistic boy was to think like one.

Now I'm lost.

[Raistlin]

As a midwife, I was assisting during a particularly difficult labour. Finally over, the mother sat up in bed cradling the newborn baby in her arms and said, "You know, during pregnancy my husband ran off with the secretary and ended our marriage - but at least now I've got something wonderful from it."

"Oh yeah?" I replied.

"That's right," she said. "The house."

[Raistlin]

I started my new job in a saloon today when a beautiful lady walked in.

She said, "I'm undecided at the moment. What's the best style you can give to me?"

"Doggy," I replied.

[Raistlin]

Its been a distressing week of terrorism, the loss of so many innocent lives, attacking the most fundamental facets of our society. Our unity and freedom of speech has been challenged. And so i know what you're all thinking...

I'd definitely shag Hayat Boumeddiene

[Raistlin]

I've been diagnosed with agoraphobia.

Get in!

[Raistlin]

I thought homosexuality was strictly forbidden in Islam.

But whenever those young Muslim guys see a picture of Mohammed, they start shooting all over the place.

[Raistlin]

I've just got back from an undertakers convention and the main topic was new ways of disposing of the dead.

There was a lot of thinking outside of the box.

[Raistlin]

The presenters and guests of TV shows Pointless, The Chase and The Eggheads were all shot dead this afternoon

The horrible act is said to have been carried out by extreme Quizlamists

[Raistlin]

How many Russell Brands does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer is: None.

He's merely suggesting change and getting people to think about the concept of change. He won't change it, but will create a YouTube channel challenging other lightbulb changers, create a tour called "Lightbulb complex" where irrelevant things are verbosely and eloquently discussed, followed by a finale which mentions going down on birds as if it's a new concept before you change any light fixtures or fittings. Make a tshirt about #Change and write a booky wook about Change - where proceeds go to helping some sort of hypocritical cause. Then when there's a current news issue that creates controversy in the world, he will wear a blanket and avoid the issue.

[Raistlin]

Hayat Boumeddiene, is the most wanted woman in the world, but I can't find her anywhere in FHM's top 100 Sexiest girls?

[Raistlin]

A Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

"Well, if it is," says the Muslim, "I'm going to come back and kill everyone here."

[Raistlin]

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant

If it floats: boy ant