Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What is the proper weight for an lawyer ?

About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn

[Raistlin]

When does a person decide to become an accountant ?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

[Raistlin]

Mr. Goldfarb was walking down the street.

In each arm he carried a bag.

He ran into Mr. Klein.

Mr. Klein asked, "What are those bags for?"

"I'm collecting for Israel", said Mr. Goldfarb.

"You need two bags?", asked Mr. Klein.

"I've got a system, said Mr. Goldfarb.

It's fantastic. I go into the men's room.

I pull out a knife and hold it up.

Then I say, 'Give for Israel or get a circumcision.'

It works, I have forty thousand pounds in this bag.

"What do you have in the other bag?", inquired Mr. Klein.

"Oh, well, not everybody gives."

[Raistlin]

A girl runs home to her mother crying, "I can't marry Joe! He's an atheist!

He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything!

"Don't worry, Honey," said her mom.

"But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell!

"Don't worry, Honey," repeated her mom, "you marry him...and we'll convince him!"

[Raistlin]

A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman.

"How do you plead?" asked the judge.

"Guilty or not guilty."

"Not guilty," replied the man.

"On what grounds?" queried the judge.

"I didn't think she was dead....I thought she was an American."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?

She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist ?

He sold his soul to Santa.

[Raistlin]

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the new paint on the market ?

It's called Blonde.

It's not very bright, but it spreads easy!

[Bizarra]

Two Nuns were very late getting back to the Convent, & as they were climbing the boundary wall , one says " Do you know, I feel like a Commando"

The other replied " So do I, but where would we get one at this time of night?"

[Raistlin]

Benefits of having Alzheimer's:

You can wrap your own presents.

You are always meeting new friends.

[Raistlin]

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

[Raistlin]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.

Just cooperate with anything he wants.

If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.

Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking butt !"

[Raistlin]

When the powerful king found his throne missing the next day, he ordered his army to kidnap the other king's Count and force him to tell where the throne was being hid.

The session went as follows:

King: Where is the throne ?

Count: I cannot tell you.

King: Then I will have you killed! Executioner, cut off his head!

Count: (as the Axe is swinging down...) OK, I will tell you

THWACK

Moral:

Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

[Raistlin]

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev.

"Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob, it never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking.

"Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev.

"Yeah said Phil, worked great, Your house is nice, too!"

[Raistlin]

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.

It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, "Blimey mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear that all the toilets at the police station were stolen?

Yeah...the cops got nothing to go on.

[Raistlin]

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

[Raistlin]

Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man.

The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me !"

Mary Jane laughed and laughed

She knew that the shark was never going to help that man

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school ?

Yes, Intercourse....you go between periods and you are expected to come.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap ?

She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

[Raistlin]

What do jelly and a woman have in common ?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

[Raistlin]

Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls"

"Are they that big?" asked the other.

"No they're this dirty."

[Calisto]

Great stuff!

[Bizarra]

Great stuff!

I totally agree. Keep up the good work & I hope you don't mind my "borrowing" your section for the occasional addition