Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A US terrorism expert has been ridiculed for claiming that non Muslims won't even go into Birmingham because it is a Muslim city.

In reality of course, we don't go into Birmingham because it's shit.

[Raistlin]

I haven't heard this much talk about Charlie since Amy Winehouse's funeral.

[Raistlin]

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

[Raistlin]

I went for a job interview on a farm today. They asked me if I had any experience in sticking my arm up a cow's vagina.

I showed them a photo of the wife.

I start tomorrow.

[Raistlin]

"Saudi cleric condemns snowmen as anti-Islamic"

Apparently they promote lustiness and eroticism.

Depraved twats, is there anything they don't fancy shagging?

[Raistlin]

BBC News : Regular naps are 'key to learning'.

Not if your learning how to fly a Boeing 747 they aren't

[Raistlin]

I cannot understand what David Cameron is on about when he says he won't take part in the leaders debates unless the Greens are there.

A cabbage and a turnip have already said they'll be there.

[Raistlin]

Charlie Hebdo increases sales within a week, from sixty thousand to over three million.

Ian Hislop is already composing the next Private Eye cover; "Mohammed: What A Git".

[Raistlin]

Liverpool are interested in Ched Evans, but a spokesman for Mr Evans said his name has been tarnished enough.

[Raistlin]

One of the men I'm stalking wears Spider Man pajamas to bed.

What a weirdo.

[Raistlin]

Being a keen birdwatcher, I was getting really excited about a programme called 'Superb owl'.

It was rubbish, just showed crappy American football.

[Raistlin]

Note to self:

I'm ginger and I don't have anyone else to write notes to.

[Raistlin]

Oscar nominations.

Mohammed for Best Picture.

[Raistlin]

My wife and I are part of the 30% of adults that struggle to get out of bed each morning.

We're really into bondage.

[Raistlin]

Scientists say the Beagle 2 Mars probe has starting working 11 years after being sent to the dusty planet

Half the time it would take for a Scouser to start working after being sent to the local job centre

[Raistlin]

The terrorist threat from fundamental atheists has reached a critical level.

Which means a cartoon or joke attack is imminent.

[Raistlin]

I used to know how to make those little fizzy sweets, but then I forgot.

So I went on a Refresher course.

[Raistlin]

If the Charlie Hebdo attack has taught us anything...

...it's how to say "I am" in French.

[Raistlin]

Kevin Petersen had lots of little red stars tattooed on his body to show all the places he'd scored.

Gay men do something similar, but just have one big brown one .

[Raistlin]

I decided to look up the definition of misogyny on dictionary.com and this is what I found:

misogyny

noun

1.

hatred, dislike, or mistrust of women, or prejudice against women.

misandry

noun

1.

hatred of males.

Typical, no middle ground for women just straight to the hate.

[Raistlin]

Katie Price entered the Celebrity Big Brother house dressed as a fairy princess.

Let's hope someone gives her a poisoned Apple, so we can have a fairy tale ending.

[Raistlin]

A man who accidentally shot his friend dead while testing if his bullet-proof vest worked has been jailed for seven years.

On the plus side, Aldi has promised him a refund.

[Raistlin]

A man was shot dead by his friend when they were testing a bullet-proof vest.

His last words were, "Hang on... Shouldn't I be the one wearing the vest?"

[Raistlin]

What's about ten inches long, shaped like a rocket with two big fat balls at the bottom and right now there's a lovely pair of tits going up and down on it?

That's right; it's the bird feeder in the garden.

[Raistlin]

"A pair of heavy steel toecap boots please, size 9." I asked the girl.

"I'm afraid this is a pet shop sir." she explained.

"I know." I said. "I'm trying to teach a kitten not to shit on the carpet."