Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

For sale: Homeless man...

Still in the box.

[Raistlin]

"It is true that nowhere in the Koran is it stated that Muslim women should be veiled," said a prominent imam.

"We just started doing it because most of them are right mingers," he continued.

[Raistlin]

Ched Evans has finally found a new team, ten other guys that are happy to play with him.

Public transport in Mumbai.

[Raistlin]

Mr. James Smith,

206 Andover Road,

Salisbury,

Wiltshire.

Dear Mr. Smith,

Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.

I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show's contestants.

However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.

In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.

Yours,

Charles Knight,

Light Entertainment,

BBC Television Centre,

London.

[Raistlin]

I phoned in sick today because a sinkhole appeared in my house.

I never explained that it's in the bathroom.

[Raistlin]

Every morning I get woken up to a hand job from my wife then breakfast in bed. She runs a hot bath for me a washes me.

All of my clothes are ready and off she goes to work to earn some cigarette money for me on the checkouts at the supermarket.

I go off to work with my freshly prepared sandwiches and when I come home, she greets my with a blow job.

She then cooks my dinner which is always spectacular.

Before we go to bed, she'll ask me if I would prefer anal tonight.

This is no ordinary wife.

This is an M&S wife.

[Raistlin]

I won the Lottery last night.

I haven't told the wife yet, I can't use my phone on the plane.

[Raistlin]

I have a measured IQ of 120 which puts me in the very superior intelligence level.

And it only cost me £3.50 plus one standard rate text message to find out.

[Raistlin]

I don't understand why Muslims don't start their own magazine, and draw pictures depicting Secularism.

Their first front page could be a cartoon of a thoughtful atheist pondering the mysteries of the universe, treating the earth with respect and demonstrating tolerance.

That'll show em.

[Raistlin]

No more page 3?

But how will I find out what India, 22, from Kent has to say about politics and fracking?

[Raistlin]

My mum said "you treat this place like a hotel"......

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'

[Raistlin]

In the news: Lassana Bathily, a Malian-born Muslim employee who hid customers from an Islamist gunman at a Paris kosher supermarket this month has been granted French nationality.

He says that the first thing he will do to celebrate is to pack his bags and sod off to England to claim benefits.

[Raistlin]

my first big American party last night and I've just worked out that ''ice'' and ''meth'' are actually the same thing!!!!

OOooooh- NOW I get why all my drinks were so warm!!

.....and why my hotel room is now covered in dead hookers

[Raistlin]

I've started up a website for drivers only.

It's been generating lots of traffic.

[Raistlin]

The most beautiful moment in the process of childbirth is the conception

[Raistlin]

After the first night of our honeymoon, the manager said that we had to change rooms because the loud noises my wife makes during sex.

"But we didn't have sex last night!" I protested.

"Yes sir," he replied, "but we remember from her hen weekend."

[Raistlin]

Fat people.

You can't run, but you can't hide either.

[Raistlin]

Just got turned away from my local 'baby massage' session.

Apparently you have to supply your own baby...

[Raistlin]

The economy must be picking up.

I've just been to my local wine bar and its now a bank.

[Raistlin]

My wife left it too long before she was ready to have kids and now she's finding it hard to fall pregnant.

She's fat and ugly and I refuse to have sex with her.

[Raistlin]

I'm going to set up my own religion, one where its important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.

Its a non-prophet organisation.

[Raistlin]

Former Home Secretary Leon Brittan has died.

In unrelated news, a long-lost dossier detailing an Establishment paedophile ring has been found.

[Raistlin]

"You've been a very naughty girl, and I'm waiting for you to come home!" I texted my wife.

She texted back "Do I need to be punished ;)"

"Yes severely", I answered.

"Just so you know, I'm not wearing any knickers right now ;)" she replied.

"What has that got to do with you finishing all the bourbons you fat bint?"

[Raistlin]

Former Cabinet Minister Leon Brittan has died in hospital

He was visiting the children's ward and had a stroke

[Raistlin]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"