Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The new Ghostbusters film really improves on a flaw with the original casting.

3 men trying to use a vaccuum? Yeah right!

[Raistlin]

I've had sex with every woman that I've come across with in my workplace.

One of the perks of working in a morgue.

[Raistlin]

I was watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs with the wife last night when she flirtatiously suggested we act out roles from the movie.

"I wanna to be your Snow White, baby!" she purred.

Her mood soon changed when I told her that I wanted to be The Queen

[Raistlin]

I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."

I said, "That's correct."

He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"

I said, "No."

[Raistlin]

"I'm confident, bold, and I am not afraid to take risks, " I told the interviewer.

"That may be the case, but would you please get out of my chair and wait outside with the other applicants until your name is called, " he repli

[Raistlin]

Today I did that thing where you walk into a room and totally forgot what you went in for.

Neither the vicar nor the congregation were impressed.

[Raistlin]

There appears to be something lost in translation over a militant of ISIS demanding a female suicide bomber get released.

What he really wanted was the blow up doll he ordered 5 months ago through Yodel.

[Raistlin]

One time I got my ass totally whipped by a little girl.

Cost me a lot of money, but it was worth it.

[Raistlin]

I always feel an intense awkwardness when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly.

[Raistlin]

A Doncaster man has appeared in court after allegedly having sex with a Shetland pony.

And I'm thinking: How sick, perverted and depraved do you have to be to have sex with a man from Doncaster?

[Raistlin]

My wife only lets me watch Match Of The Day if I make her come.

Is David Coleman still on it?

[Raistlin]

The inventor of disappearing ink was found hanged in his home early this morning.

In his last message to the world he wrote, "

[Raistlin]

"...but whatever you do, just make sure you keep them away from water."

"What, Gremlins?"

"No, Whitney Houston's family."

[Raistlin]

The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber: You stay in all day and nobody comes!

[Raistlin]

My new Thai girlfriend is amazing in bed, but I'm still not that keen on the blow jobs.

Especially when she asks me to swallow

[Raistlin]

A dance teacher who had sex with two of his 15-year-old female pupils has been jailed for 4 years.

I think that's unbelievable.

A straight dance teacher?

[Raistlin]

In Saudi Arabia it's illegal for a woman to show her face in public.

Unless it's been separated from her body.

[Raistlin]

Bono has been diagnosed with an incurable new disease.

Chronic Fat Ego Syndrome.

[Raistlin]

Isn't it strange how broken glass tastes like blood.

[Raistlin]

It's just over 825 years since Richard the Lionheart marched off to slaughter muslims in the name of Christianity.

That's a hell of a long time to bear a grudge.

[Raistlin]

I went on a date with a girl last night.

I said, "You look lovely, by the way."

"Thanks," she smiled. "My dad made me what I am today."

"You come from a rich family?" I asked.

She said, "No, he's a transgender surgeon."

[Raistlin]

As my wife was looking at the cars in the showroom the salesman came up to her,

"Are you interested in parking assist madam? " he asked,

"Yes please, " she replied,

"Ok, madam, Tom, " shouted the salesman, "just go and park that Ford Fiesta up properly for this lady would you.

[Raistlin]

Have you heard about the new Exorcist film that is in production?

They get the devil to take the priest out of the child.

[Raistlin]

I invented the sandal for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

[Raistlin]

I'm not saying my mother-in-law was hated by the community,but after her death,the local paper printed an Old bitchuary.