Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

For those of you who enjoyed yesterdays Superbowl, it may interest you to know that the men's version starts on Friday.

[Raistlin]

I was arrested this morning for playing a trick at work.

The police have informed me that, despite it being April Fool's Day, it's still rape.

[Raistlin]

Jose Mourinho use to be a postman but he was sacked because of a problem dealing with stamps.

[Raistlin]

The Government is voting on whether to allow babies to be created with the DNA from 3 or more people.

I don't know what all the fuss is about, Katie Price has been doing it for years.

[Raistlin]

A new weight loss lip gloss is on the market.

Its called superglue

[Raistlin]

I've just completed my 17th OCD awareness course.

[Raistlin]

Money has gone missing from Fleetwood Mac's dressing room again.

They're starting to suspect Stevie nicks.

[Raistlin]

Isis are to release lots more videos of the burning of prisoners.

A spokesman for the terrorist group has declared the pilot episode a resounding success.

[Raistlin]

TransAisa airways has issued a statement on their pilot involved in the crash.

"Ooo, he no fly so good."

[Raistlin]

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist,

While you were all arguing over the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely, the Opportunist.

Dear Opportunist,

Before you drank the glass of water with that smug grin on your face, I spat in it.

Sincerely, the Sadist.

[Raistlin]

Daddy Bear: "Someone's been sleeping in my bed."

Mummy Bear: "Wouldn't be the first time."

Daddy Bear: "It's been four years Claire, let it go."

[Raistlin]

Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.

I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.

[Raistlin]

Jordan has just executed a female suicide bomber.

Personally, I think these Celebrity Big Brother challenges are getting a little bit too extreme.

[Raistlin]

My wife has just accused me of being over sensitive.

She didn't even do it in a nice way.

[Raistlin]

Schizophrenia affects 6 out 3 people

[Raistlin]

Following the news that Poundland has bought all 99p stores, what will it now cost to shop there?

Your dignity.

[Raistlin]

Gandalf: "A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

Frodo: "You're not fooling anyone, that was premature ejaculation and you know it."

[Raistlin]

I was out shopping with the wife when the checkout lady asks me, do I want a bag for life

it's OK I smiled I married one

[Raistlin]

It's all the more remarkable that so many male contestants do well on Countdown these days.

Considering all their blood is in their penis at the time.

[Raistlin]

I hate working at NASA. Every time they say,

"Start the countdown, " I think of Rachel Riley and get a hard on.

[Raistlin]

I've just been sent to prison for not paying my TV licence and I'm gutted.

Still at least I will be able to watch TV all day without worrying about it

[Raistlin]

My wife says men are insensitive lovers.

Can't be that insensitive - unlike her I cum every time

[Raistlin]

You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad.

It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.

[Raistlin]

I won the double roll-over and Camelot sorted it so I could meet my absolute hero!

They introduced me to Jose Mourhino: "This is Dave - he's worth £8 million."

This was not what I bargained for. I'm now on loan to Preston North End.

[Raistlin]

Me and my mates always take a shower together after a football match.

My girlfriend thinks we're weird, but it's my house and I'll do what I want.