Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Three women arrested for causing a disturbance during the fifty shades film in Glasgow.

Police say the woman were very disappointed to find out that the 50 Shades of Grey feature, turned out to be the regional weather forecast for Scotland.

[Raistlin]

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with slogan: Coverage from cradle to grave.

Second tries to improve on that with: Coverage from womb to tomb.

Not to be outdone third comes up with: From sperm to worm.

Fourth really thought hard and almost gave up, but finally came up with:

From erection to resurrection.

[Raistlin]

A Scottish woman has made the shortlist to be one of 24 people to make a one way voyage to Mars.

She's going to be pretty disappointed when she finds out it's not battered.

[Raistlin]

On Star Trek, Klingons get promoted by killing the man above them.

I explained this to HR but they still won't let me back in the building.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend has chastised me for being "pedantic" twice....

You would of thought she would of remembered the last time I had t correct her on that

[Raistlin]

I think my hearing is going. Earlier, I was sure my wife asked me to burn some ten pound notes whilst watching paint dry.

Turns out she actually said "Will you take me to see 50 Shades of Grey"

[Raistlin]

My missus got back all excited from watching 50 shades so i asked if we could act out a scene,

She thought a bit and said "can i pick the scene"

"course sexy " i replied happily

"good, you buy me a new car as a surprise then".

Bitch.

[Raistlin]

The money is a nice bonus.

But the real joy in robbing the Post Office is watching the staff move quickly for once.

[Raistlin]

There's a lot of speculation at the moment about the culprit in the Eastenders murder mystery.

My wife's decided it was Denise.

Her sister's decided it was Bobby.

And I've decided I could not give a flying fox

[Raistlin]

It's very metrosexual these days for a straight man to admit to having a 'man crush'.

But, apparently, just because I picked Tom Daley, that makes me 'gay'.

[Raistlin]

Chelsea have banned 3 racists from Stamford bridge.

However, a 4th has been offered a 1 year extension to continue captaining the club.

[Raistlin]

A top musician and conductor has been jailed for 11 years for sex assaults on his teenage students.

He nearly got a way with it, but for A-Minor error.

[Raistlin]

I saw a post on Facebook about this 35 year old teacher who was filmed having sex with six of her students.

Apparently, commenting 'Are the videos on Pornhub yet?' is a great way to get a ban.

[Raistlin]

I was kissing my girlfriend in the dark when my toupee fell in her lap.

I groped for it and she started moaning, "That's it. That's it!"

"It can't be", I said, "mine is parted on the side."

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees, at first I thought she was winding me up...and then I Saw her face.

[Raistlin]

Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived.

Thats how I remember who I went to Journalism School with.

[Raistlin]

The devout Muslim families of the 3 girls who have gone to join ISIS are said to be distraught.

"It's like losing half a son", said one of the parents.

[Raistlin]

The inventor of throat lozenges has died.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral

[Raistlin]

Just got an Oscar nomination for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"

[Raistlin]

Two girls talking,

"I swallowed my boyfriends cum last night. "

"So what's so special about that? "

"I had to get it out of his wife first. "

[Raistlin]

I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought:

"Those bastards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."

[Raistlin]

The first rule of UKIP club is that it's probably best not to actually talk about anything.

[Raistlin]

In a statement, ISIS have confirmed that the three missing girls are indeed on the way to them in Syria.

However, they have laughed at the media for assuming they are travelling to become ISIS Brides.

A spokesman for ISIS said, "How stupid is your western media? Firstly they are too old to be brides, secondly they come from Bethnal Green, so they are actually coming to teach weapons handling"

[Raistlin]

Optimist- The glass is half full.

Pessimist- The glass is half empty.

Feminist- The glass is being raped.

[Raistlin]

This morning I went to a meeting for my Premature Ejaculator's support group.

But it turns out that it's tomorrow.