Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The producers of the Brit Awards have apologised whole heartedly for the incident at last nights awards involving Madonna. Plans have been put in place to stop this happening again by installing a Stannah Stairlift for future events

[Raistlin]

I've had a good long think, Gary.

But no, I'm quite happy with my gang thanks.

[Raistlin]

Police have Identified Jihadi John as a London based computer programmer.

Police suspect he has been attempting to recruit more Britain's through his social media app, Angry Kurds.

[Raistlin]

ISIS have taken to throwing gay men from the tops of buildings. I hope the executioners appreciate the irony.

Starting with being tossed off and ending with pain at the bottom.

[Raistlin]

"He's dead Jim."

[Raistlin]

Wow! The prize in this cereal box is the most realistic dead mouse I've ever seen.

[Raistlin]

What's got no teeth and smells?

The gearbox in the wife's car...

[Raistlin]

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

[Raistlin]

"How would your friends describe you?" said my interviewer.

"An alcoholic, a homophobe and bit of a git," clearly wasn't the answer she were expecting.

[Raistlin]

I saw an advert on TV showing what a person looks like after having a stroke.

I thought, 'Wow, that's my come face, too.'

[Raistlin]

It's exhausting and time-consuming trying to keep two girlfriends on the go.

I'm beginning to neglect the third

[Raistlin]

"Do you like this dress on me?"

There was a silence, followed by a cold, hard look in her eyes.

I guess I should have asked before trying her clothes on.

[Raistlin]

So the Samsung S6 Edge has a curved screen

What's new about that the iPhone 6 Plus had one of those

[Raistlin]

I said to my wife last night, "How would you like a sandwich?"

"Oh yes please," she replied.

"Great," I said, "I'll phone Dave and tell him to bring some lube."

[Raistlin]

I asked a seagull which horse to bet on and lost a fortune.

I should have known, seagulls love rubbish tips

[Raistlin]

When my 15 year old said that the stain on her dress was 'Johnson's Baby Lotion', I didn't think anything of it at the time, officer.

[Raistlin]

We over heard our neighbours arguing last night...

"A real man respects a woman," she cried. "Oh yeah," he shouted, "well a real woman makes a respectable sandwich"

I just looked at my wife and nodded, which is what started our argument.

[Raistlin]

I got really excited when I thought I 'd seen a rare Russian military transport plane while out plane spotting.

Turned out it was just an optical Ilyushin.

[Raistlin]

Not sure why everyone's so surprised at a photo of a weasel grabbing a bird.

Just go to the 'gallery' on any Essex nightclub's website.

[Raistlin]

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial

[Raistlin]

The police have found a missing girl's body parts in Bristol.

I've phoned the police and put a bid in for her fanny.

I think I must have won as they've just pulled up outside.

[Raistlin]

My English teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to nothing.....

Now that I'm also an English teacher, I realize that she was right.

[Raistlin]

Today, a third woman has been attacked in her own home.

The victim was bound with duck tape then after being sexually assaulted was forced to eat an entire packet of cornflakes.

The police are looking for a cereal tapist.

[Raistlin]

President Vladimir Putin has publicly announced he is furious with the unknown assassins that killed opposition leader Boris Nemtsov in front of the Kremlin.

Putin has gone so far as to say he wont even be giving them a tip in their bill.

[Raistlin]

My wife says she can only get sexually aroused when she's in a position of danger.

So I haven't paid the mortgage for three months.