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Posted

Today is World Book Day, where all books can be read by anybody.

Apart from the countries in which God has decided his book is banned.

And certain Muslim countries, where women aren't allowed to read.

And the Jeremy Kyle studio, where no bugger can read.


Posted

I missed my train at the station this morning.

So I sat down on a bench and wistfully looked at some old photos of it.

Posted

Harrison Ford crash-landed on a golf course.

May the fores be with him.

Posted

"Hello. My name is Dave and I'm an alcoholic"

"Hi Dave, but this is a group for compulsive liars"

"I also have an enormous penis"

Posted

My pregnant girlfriend still expected me to give her sex.

So I obliged, but the nurses in the birthing pool weren't happy.


Posted

What's the difference between Papiss Cisse and Katie Price?

Katie Price would never spit.

Posted

A black guy goes into a bakery. While he's waiting to get served he hears a voice say "Sod off back to the jungle".

He looks down and sees some cakes looking back at him.

"Excuse me", he says to the girl behind the counter, "did you hear what these things just said?"

"Sorry about that, They're Chelsea buns."

Posted

International Women's day has been cancelled.

The reason given for cancelling was...

...because.

Posted

Harrison Ford's engine failed, causing him to clip a tree before crashing on a golf course.

When he does it, it's a "beautifully executed emergency landing, by an unbelievably well-trained pilot."

When I do it, it's a "complete frack up, by a dickhead who can't be left in charge of a lawnmower."

Posted

I was telling my mate about how disappointed I was to find my geek of a son having sex with his ipad with a vagazzle attachment.

"Well at least it saves his socks when he's watching porn, " he said,

"porn? " I replied, "he was playing Minecraft. "

Posted

"I can't come into work today, I've got a snakebite injury."

"Oh dear. What happened?"

"I fell over as I left the pub last night."

Posted

The organisers of the International Women's Day forgot that it was yesterday.

It's okay, though. They bought everyone a small piece of jewellery and now everything is alright.

Posted

I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.

Posted

The next edition of Top Gear will include a new regular feature.

Star in a Reasonably Priced Fracas.


Posted

Roses are red

blue flowers are the violets,

8 frogs are dead

Along with the pilots

Posted

Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended, after he had 'a fracas' with the show's producer.

Those poncey Starbucks coffees are nothing but trouble.

Posted

The Apple Watch is finally here, and it has an 18-hour Battery life.

And they call this progress?

The Battery in my current watch only needs changing every 2 years or so.

Posted

Two helicopters have collided while filming a Discovery Channel documentary.

The tragic crash can be seen in the new Discovery Channel documentary "Two helicopters crash while shooting a Discovery Channel documentary."

Posted

Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable

So that rules out child abuse then....

Posted

Islamic State have offered 74 virgins to Jeremy Clarkson to present their future videos.

Chop Gear

Posted

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for

Posted

My wife got so fed up with me not decorating the lounge she stopped sleeping with me.

I decided it was time to call in a pro.

The lounge is still unfinished but at least I've had a couple of blow-jobs

Posted

Did you know...?

If your girlfriend watches Eastenders whilst painting her toe nails, she's not really enjoying the sex.

Posted

Did you hear about the drummer who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train

Posted

Following the Marvyn Gaye / Robin Thicke plagiarism case, Rolf Harris has announced that he will also be suing his new cell-mate Fred Talbot for covering two little boys without permission.

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