Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I pulled a girl the other night, she said she was never in the mood for sex till she had a bottle of wine inside her.

After a bit of a struggle it turned out she meant she wanted to drink it

[Raistlin]

I won't be watching a load of old has beens using the same old shit on comic relief tonight.

I'll be watching Dave instead.

[Raistlin]

Steak and blow job day:

My wife just text me "How do you want your steak? "

"Like your blow jobs," I replied "rare"

[Raistlin]

Earlier this year, my daughter married a scouser.

Today they're celebrating Mistake and No-job day.

[Raistlin]

I can tell by your tits that you've never paid for a drink.

Worst chat up line....ever.

[Raistlin]

The definition of a selfie;

Having to photograph yourself because you are too ugly or stupid to have someone else take it

[Raistlin]

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine.

Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

[Raistlin]

I recently found out should I ever need a bone marrow transplant my wife is a perfect match.

Hope it keeps well in the freezer.

[Raistlin]

I just told my wife that I had sex with another woman.

She said, "Can you please repeat that for me?"

I said, "Sure, I'm seeing her again tomorrow night."

[Raistlin]

So there I was on the golf course, when I bellowed out, "FORD"

The two guys ahead turned round and shouted back, "The term is FORE, you ignorant git."

Then the plane hit them.

[Raistlin]

My son wants a new kidney for his birthday.

He's not ill. He's just weird.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend has a stinking cold, so I've made her some profiteroles.

Now she's asking me stupid questions, like, "Where's all my shaving foam gone?"

[Raistlin]

My mate Dave's always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn't seem like he's got a care in the world.

"Why're you so laid back all of a sudden?" I asked him.

"I've hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me," he replied, "only costs me a grand a week."

"A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?" I asked.

"who knows, that's his problem."

[Raistlin]

I heard Katie price has nicknamed her vagina 'Jasmine"

Because it's always has Aladdin

[Raistlin]

I was with my girlfriend, looking at rings in the window of the local jewellers.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" she said.

On reflection, "I don't know, does it involve sheep?" was probably not the best answer.

[Raistlin]

My best mate, Dave passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.

I said, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."

She said, "He wasn't ill, he died all of a sudden."

I said, "I know, I meant being married to you."

[Raistlin]

My new girlfriend's dumped me because I called out the wrong name during sex with her. But it could be worse.

She could have known I have a sister by that name.

[Raistlin]

London will only see 13% of the sun during the solar eclipse.

Or 'Summer' as the people of Skegness call it.

[Raistlin]

3 years ago, The millennium Dome

2 Years ago, The Mecca Ballroom in Balham, West London

Last year, The back room of the Dog and Duck pub in Milton Keynes.

This year they are looking to hire a broom closet for the BBC Radio DJ's reunion Party venue.

[Raistlin]

I was going to go out and observe the eclipse earlier.

But unfortunately my solar powered watch was running a bit slow so I missed it.

[Raistlin]

A cash machine has just charged me two pound for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

[Raistlin]

I tried using a colander to view the eclipse.

I think I've strained my eyes.

[Raistlin]

The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem

[Raistlin]

I hate to imagine how many times I've been called a nerd.

Luckily I won't have to, once I finish compiling the spread sheet.

[Raistlin]

Just as we were heading to bed my girlfriend asked "Did you put the wheelie bin out?"

"Ah, no, I'll do it in the morning" I replied.

"What about the cat?" she said.

"Well, I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it" I answered