Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.

[Raistlin]

TEIAM - problem solved

[Raistlin]

That Brit who killed himself in Thailand.

He just thought 'Phuket'

[Raistlin]

A circle, a rhombus, a pentagon and a scalene triangle walked into a bar.

The rhombus said to the circle: 'Your round'.

[Raistlin]

This o is out of cntext.

[Raistlin]

My mate passed away after consuming excess amounts of Calcium Carbonate.

He chalked himself to death

[Raistlin]

I was on the train today and couldn't help but notice the bloke sitting next to me streaming porn on his mobile phone.

I was furious. How can he get a signal in a tunnel and I can't?"

[Raistlin]

I failed History at school, but one day I'll go back and conquer it.

Like Henry VIII did against Hitler.

[Raistlin]

I just hope this re-enactment of the burial of Richard III helps them catch the blokes that did it.

[Raistlin]

I was practising telling my dad that I'm gay in front of our parrot.

I changed my mind about telling him after he cut the parrot's head off

[Raistlin]

"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than:

"I quit halfway through a marathon"

[Raistlin]

Air crash investigators have found the flight data recorder from the Alps A320 aircrash.

last entry - 'USB device not recognised'

[Raistlin]

When you go shopping for windows what do you actually say without looking like you are wasting your time?

[Raistlin]

The headmaster said to me, "Kids have no respect for adults nowadays, use your skills and teach them a lesson."

Apparently karate Chopping my pupils wasn't what he meant.

[Raistlin]

Another chart show DJ arrested for noncery.

At least now we know why they all got so excited counting down from 10.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriends got a ladder in her tights.

She truly is the most talented shoplifter ever.

[Raistlin]

Pornography only gets called by its full name when it's in trouble

[Raistlin]

Welcome to the BBC.

Rape all the children you like, just don't punch a producer

[Raistlin]

Apparently as a 'preventative measure' Angelina Jolie has now had her Fallopian tubes and ovaries removed, along with her breasts....

Why doesn't the pretentious bitch just call it a sex change like everyone else?

[Raistlin]

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "Fine, do whatever you want!" in an argument,

and you do it

[Raistlin]

I was asked recently whether I liked porn.

Do I like porn? Does a bear shit in a Japanese schoolgirl's mouth?

[Raistlin]

So Jeremy Clarkson gets sacked today and all the bloody News channels can go on about is some poxy plane crash

What the is the world coming to?

[Raistlin]

Muslim Zayn Malik has left 1D so he can try to have a "normal" British youngsters life.

His plane is expected to land in Syria this morning.

[Raistlin]

Then one day, whilst at the fishmonger, I remember over-herring someone tell a fish pun.

There they were, plaice to plaice with a complete stranger and making them laugh.

It wasn't even a great fish pun on anyone's scale, but I thought to myself, oh my cod, that's the "line" of work I want to do.

[Raistlin]

Apparently, black students in South Africa have pelted Cecil John Rhodes's statue with their own faeces recently because back in 1896, he called Africans 'Sub human'

Yeah, that'll teach the bastard just how wrong he was.