Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I bought a German mobile phone the other day and was advised to put it into airplane mode.

The thing locked me out.. Then it crashed.

[Raistlin]

I left a deposit at my local sperm bank today, And so far, I think I've got away with.

I don't think anyone saw me cumming.

[Raistlin]

"The new Royal baby weighs 3.7kg"

"What's that in pounds?"

"About £3 million per year for the taxpayer"

[Raistlin]

My wife left me because I "lack enthusiasm".

She's clearly never seen me searching for porn

[Raistlin]

I was told the best way to make a cuppa tea was to "agitate the bag".

So, I went into the kitchen and said "milk and two sugars you fat bitch".

[Raistlin]

"I know we've been married forty years now, but tonight I'd like you to pretend to be a thirteen-year-old schoolgirl."

"Ewww, you're disgusting! Get away from me, you filthy pervert!"

"That's the spirit, love!"

[Raistlin]

There's a new Supermarket near our house that's recently opened. It's got an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk aisle, you hear cows mooing and there's a scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the eggs, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Raistlin]

I've lost a telegraph pole.

I'm going to nail a poster to every cat in the street.

[Raistlin]

Blimey, all we've heard for months is politics, politics and politics.

This morning I woke up and even my penis reminded me that it's erection day.

[Raistlin]

They say you cant buy happiness, but thanks to prostitutes you can rent it.

[Raistlin]

The first sign of Errol Brown's liver cancer was the blood in his urine.

It started with a piss. Never thought it would end to this.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between the Lib Dems & a minibus?

A mini bus has more than 8 seats.

[Raistlin]

All the euphoria in Scotland this morning will soon dissipate later this morning when the cold realization sets in.

They are still Scottish.

[Raistlin]

What's 20 foot long and stinks of piss?

The post office queue on pension day

[Raistlin]

Black British Actor Idris Elba has just broken the "Flying Mile" UK landspeed record on a Welsh beach in a Bentley, a classic British car, touching about 180 mph. He is widely tipped to be the next James Bond.

In other news, Leeroy Watson of Crawfordsberg, Alabama, was recently stopped by police doing 36 mph in a 35 mph zone. His funeral is next Thursday.

[Raistlin]

Just 2 days into the new Tory administration, Cameron has a big call to make.

Aston Villa are playing West Ham.

[Raistlin]

I enjoy going on 18-30 holiday, as you'll never see a Muslim.

Because once their wife is old enough, the husband is too old.

[Raistlin]

I don't mind lesbians, actually.

They're still women who won't sleep with me, but at least it's nothing personal.

[Raistlin]

People are protesting the Tory government outside Downing Street.

I'm sure there's a way this can be resolved fairly and democratically.

May I suggest we simply put it to a vote?

[Raistlin]

After losing my home due to conservative cuts I sarcastically wrote to my Tory MP informing them that my wife and I were very comfortable sleeping in the front seats of our car but if we were to have a child in the future we could probably accommodate them in the boot.

We are now paying bedroom tax

[Raistlin]

A drug addict dies after being sold washing powder as heroin.

His family said he just wanted to get clean

[Raistlin]

Katie Hopkins is a total MILF.

Mindless Ignorant Lowbrow Fascist.

[Raistlin]

Apparently fat is considered beautiful in some primitive tribal communities such as those in Tahiti, Samoa

and Cardiff.

[Raistlin]

"Right, " I said to my mate, "I'm off to the cinema to see the fat and the furious, "

"Don't you mean the fast and the furious? " he replied,

"No, I said, "the wife works there.

[Raistlin]

The Cardiff bus company have apologised for the poster of the woman that says "Ride me all day for 3 pounds".

As a gesture of goodwill to angry feminists they have altered the sign.

It now reads "Pound me all day for free rides".