Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

After Nigel Farage was persuaded to stay on as leader, the Conservatives are trying to do the same with Ed Miliband.

[Raistlin]

I said to my wife, "If the orange light comes on you need to fill the car up."

By the 4th set of traffic lights she'd crammed 32 people in.

[Raistlin]

I use sarcasm at the office,

because slapping the shit out of someone is frowned upon by the management.

[Raistlin]

My wife and I decided recently we don't want kids.

So if anyone does they can pick them up tomorrow behind Tesco.

[Raistlin]

Auto-correct simply means you end up saying stuff that you didn't Nintendo.

[Raistlin]

According to research, men who help out with the housework, also tend to have more sex.

Well, if you can't find a woman who sucks like a hoover...

[Raistlin]

B.B. King dead at 89.

Airsoft will now be looking for a new champion to replace him.

[Raistlin]

I went to the inventor of Optrex's funeral today.

There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

[Raistlin]

My GPS just told me to turn around.

Now I can't see where I'm driving.

[Raistlin]

Yesterday I went to see 'Mad Max: Fury Road' with my friends in New Delhi.

There were spectacular collisions, vehicles piling-up on one another, chaos reigned supreme and death and destruction was all around!

Then we finally reached the movie theatre.

[Raistlin]

There's some thieving bastards where I live.

Last night someone stole my TV, Xbox, DVD player, all my porn, a big bag of weed and two bottles of vodka.

I wouldn't mind but I only left my cell for five minutes.

[Raistlin]

As Stevie G runs out for his final game, the Liverpool fans will react in the only way they know.

Bellyaching about the 96 who are missing it.

[Raistlin]

'Sexsomnia' is a type of sleep disorder that occurs when someone engages in any sexual activity, from oral sex to intercourse, while asleep.

My girlfriend is a sufferer.

She just hasn't realized it yet.

[Raistlin]

My much loved dear brother, David, God bless him, was in the twin towers on 9/11, he left behind two little girls and a little boy.

Cruel, I know, but it was every man for himself.

[Raistlin]

I overheard my girlfriend muttering to herself, "Love that one... Hate that one... Ooh, that one made me cry."

"Are you going through your DVDs again?" I asked her.

"No," she replied. "My dildos."

[Raistlin]

BB king passed away only days after bono had contacted him suggesting they sing a duet.

I'm hoping that he contacts Justin Bieber next time.

Fingers crossed.

[Raistlin]

Steve Tyler has reported to be a great artist, yet very his style is very feminine,

Some say, he doodles like a lady.

[Raistlin]

My speed date asked me if I was into conspiracy theories.

"Well, so-so," I replied

"That's a pity," she responded. "I couldn't sleep with a man who didn't love them. Second question, who is your favourite Royal?"

"Prince Trevor," I said. "He's the one they don't talk about."

[Raistlin]

A new study says that 93% of teenagers own a smart-phone.

Whereas 100% of smart-phones own a teenager.

[Raistlin]

My wife is always moaning at me and saying I waste money because I am so gullible.

So I just bought an app for my iPhone called "How to stop being taken for an idiot"

I've paid the £49.99 and they are delivering it next week. That will show her.

[Raistlin]

Steven Gerrard will become a "great manager" when he retires from playing, according to ex-Liverpool boss Gerard Houllier.

The Bootle branch of Lidl already has a reserved parking space with his name on it.

[Raistlin]

John Barnes said today that Raheem Sterling has "not achieved anything".

I disagree - I think he's done a pretty good job of pissing off most of the supporters.

[Raistlin]

The first rule of crossword club is (3,2,3,4,5,9,4)

[Raistlin]

Apparently former tennis star Bob Hewitt has been jailed for having sex with underage girls.

His chat-up line was, "Fifteen, love?"

[Raistlin]

"Don't look down. Don't look down," I kept saying to myself.

"Stop being such a baby!" My wife laughed.

"You know I can't stand heights!" I said angrily. "Why did you make me come up here?"

"Oh for God's sake!" She shouted. "I just thought it might be nice if you went on top once in a while."