Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Yes, your honour, my client admits he tried to steal her handbag, but the sex was purely consensual. During the altercation he clearly heard her say, "Give it to me now, you bastard."

[Raistlin]

Germans, according to the BBC news, think that the British don't look through the prism of history and fail to realise the effect on peace across Europe that withdrawal from the EU might have.

If that's not a threat to invade Poland again, I don't know what is.

[Raistlin]

Little Johnny asks for a TV in his room and his Dad, reluctantly, agrees.

The next day, Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, whats love juice?"

Hid dad looks horrified, but tells little Johnny all about sex.

The poor lad just sits there, mouth wide open in amazement, until Dad asks, "So what were you watching?"

Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."

[Raistlin]

These so-called 'foodbanks' are a total rip-off.

I deposited some cake at my local one last week, and when I went to take it out today they said they'd given it away to someone else. Unbelievable.

[Raistlin]

Jeremy Clarkson has said that leaving the BBC has left "A big hole that needs filling".

Well, if he tells them the hole belongs to someone whos underage, I'm sure there is someone at the BBC who's wiling to fill it.

[Raistlin]

I missed my weekly 'Liars Anonymous' meeting last night.

I was having a threesome with Beyoncé and Katy Perry at the time.

[Raistlin]

The chief executive of Thomas Cook has finally apologised over the deaths of two British children on holiday in Corfu in 2006.

He said, "I am deeply sorry that the publicity about this case has impacted on our profit margins."

[Raistlin]

If you hold your new Apple watch up to your ear, it's a little known fact that you'll actually hear me call you a twat

[Raistlin]

My daughter moved to America on her own last year and she has just qualified as a mechanic.

She called me today to say she starts at Hooters tomorrow.

Even my mate who lives there seems happy for her, he said he is going up to see her for a full service this weekend

[Raistlin]

My daughter moved to America on her own last year and she has just qualified as a mechanic.

She called me today to say she starts at Hooters tomorrow.

Even my mate who lives there seems happy for her, he said he is going up to see her for a full service this weekend.

[Raistlin]

Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the colour 9

[Raistlin]

I filmed my wife's dying moments on my mobile phone.

You should have seen the shocked looks I got from everyone else at Dignitas.

[Raistlin]

I was laying on the grass looking at some tits. My hand tight around my cock.

Bill Oddie didn't look too impressed.

[Raistlin]

The wife suggested we try a bit of role reversal tonight, but no, not again

Been there, done that, ironed the t-shirt.

[Raistlin]

I'm all for Ireland voting for gay marriage...

But I don't need it ramming down my throat

[Raistlin]

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

[Raistlin]

The best sex is when my wife gets drunk.

She passes out then I go to her sister's house.

[Raistlin]

I got fired earlier due to my 'very poor attention to detail'.

At least that's what I think he or she said.

[Raistlin]

I'm not saying I'm undesirable or anything,

but I just committed a crime and I'm still not wanted.

[Raistlin]

The wife was baking and told me to go to the shop and get some dates.

So I'm meeting the shelf stacker tonight and the checkout girl on Saturday.

[Raistlin]

Revenge is sweet.

Almondy too, if you use cyanide.

[Raistlin]

A body found by a dog walker in a wooded area in Oxford is thought to be the man suspected of killing his sister, his mother and her partner.

Police have released a statement saying, "The search has now been called off and we've lost our overtime, thanks to some nosey git?"

[Raistlin]

When asked what the chances were of the six FIFA officials being found guilty of corruption charges Seth Blatter replied,

"About the same as England winning the next world cup."

[Raistlin]

After the latest round of arrests at FIFA Sepp Blatter has announced that TEFLON have now agreed a multi billion dollar sponsorship deal for the next World Cup.

[Raistlin]

On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.