Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

After weeks of online chatting, I arranged to meet Clare, the undercover police woman.

Imagine my shock when she turned out to be a nine-year-old boy.

[Raistlin]

BREAKING:

Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

[Raistlin]

Sepp Blatter was asked if he fears arrest over the corruption allegations surrounding the 2022 World Cup.

He coughed and spluttered loudly before saying "sorry I had a bit of Qatar stuck in my throat."

[Raistlin]

My daughter brought her boyfriend round to meet me earlier, the rude sod wouldn't even look me in the eye.

He just sat there, staring at my knife.

[Raistlin]

To be fair, there are distinct advantages to living in a red-neck family.

For example, only one person has to be tested at the STD clinic

[Raistlin]

So it took women 23 years to get ready for the FIFA game.

Sounds about right.

[Raistlin]

I opened up a can of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win".

I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed.

[Raistlin]

I phoned a computer help line, and the phone was answered by a lady with a perfectly clear English voice.

I hung up, it had to be a wrong number

[Raistlin]

Welcome to social anxiety class.

Have a seat and make yourself uncomfortable.

[Raistlin]

Apparently Michael Jacksons property was named after Maylasian Airlines.

Because they Neverland.

[Raistlin]

I notice in the FIFA elections it's Sepp Blatter against Jordanian Prince Ali bin al-Hussein.

That's a bit like deciding whether to get Jimmy Saville or Kate and Gerry McCann to babysit your daughter.

[Raistlin]

My holiday home has been burnt down by Welsh Nationalists.

Which came as a bit of a surprise, to be honest, as it's in Spain.

[Raistlin]

I suspect that once he's elected, Sepp Blatter will answer his American critics.

By awarding the next two world cups to North Korea and Iran.

[Raistlin]

I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious.

The police arrived and arrested me.

Apparently they use actors on the show.

[Raistlin]

Hi, welcome to Fight Club.

First of all, how did you hear about us?

[Raistlin]

Don't ask... just trust me.

Never, ever put your vibrator in the same drawer where you keep your taser.

[Raistlin]

I just saw the Oxfam advert on the TV with the undernourished kids.

I couldn't just sit there ignoring my instincts anymore.

I went straight to my wardrobe, and got my old suitcase out.

God I forgot how much fun playing with my glockenspiel was.

[Raistlin]

I phoned the wife from work.

"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you, and they're stabbing it?" I asked her.

"No?" she replied, sounding puzzled.

"How about now ...?"

[Raistlin]

Former Lib-Dem leader Charles Kennedy has died suddenly.

Just like his Party did a month ago.

[Raistlin]

Think your day is getting off to a bad start?

Try being the Silver and Bronze medal winners from the 1976 Montreal Olympics Men's Decathlon, they've just found out they actually lost to a chick

[Raistlin]

The sight of woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50%

...per boob.

[Raistlin]

Fifa president Sepp Blatter was close to tears after being given a 10-minute standing ovation by some 400 staff as he returned to its Zurich headquarters a day after announcing he was to step down.

He had paid for 20 minutes

[Raistlin]

ADHD wasn't around when we were Kids so I recon they just got the spelling wrong, it should be LOASS,

Lack Of A Slap Syndrome.

[Raistlin]

We had a few drinks at home on Saturday night and, out of the blue, the wife said "I want you to lead me upstairs, take all my clothes off and kiss and lick every little bit of me."

I looked at her and said "Sod off, you daft bitch, I've got to be at work Monday!"

[Raistlin]

I wonder if there is a Professor of Palindromes called Dr. Awkward.