Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I saw the sign " DON'T LOOK DOWN" on a ride at Alton Towers yesterday.

Maybe they are hoping that you won't notice that one of your legs is missing before you leave the park

[Raistlin]

After his coach and training partner have been accused of drug use, it's easy too see why Mo Farah is also under scrutiny.

Why else would he eat Quorn?

[Raistlin]

I told my doctor that I find John Lennon's music arousing.

He said, "I don't see how that is a problem."

I said, "Well it's hard to imagine."

[Raistlin]

A recent study into banknotes in circulation showed 60% had traces of class A drugs on them and 90% had traces of FIFA.

[Raistlin]

Emergency services who came under criticism for lengthy response times attending the Alton Towers incident have issued the following statement.

"We had to queue for 45 minutes to get to the front of the queue" a spokesman said.

[Raistlin]

I recently got sacked from my job as ambulance driver after attending a serious call to Alton Towers

Apparently telling the patient to "scream if you wanna go faster" is inappropriate

[Raistlin]

My wife says that my lying is ruining our marriage.

But I reckon it's my big dick

[Raistlin]

UEFA have said the world should concentrate on tonight's champions league final and remember the good side of football.

They added " it is one of the highlights of world football and a tight game is expected, which Barcelona will win 3-0 with Messi to score first"

[Raistlin]

Charles Kennedy's death was alcohol related, investigators have disclosed.

They've also revealed that 9/11 was plane-flying-into-a-building related.

[Raistlin]

My wife always goes overboard about everything I do wrong,

which is probably why I am being questioned by the cops after she disappeared on our anniversary cruise.

[Raistlin]

Details of the compensation package being offered by Alton Towers have already been leaked.

Apparently a lifetime Queue Hop pass is included.

[Raistlin]

It must have been awful for Erwin Schrodinger, in not knowing if there was an RSPCA inspector at his front door until he opened it

[Raistlin]

I had an interview today for a management role.

To show my delegation skills I sent someone else to the interview.

[Raistlin]

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he can bore everyone to death for the rest of his life with tales of ' The one that got away '

[Raistlin]

I just heard the official song for England women's football world cup team.

Steam irons on a shirt .

[Raistlin]

I was watching the Women's World Cup last night and had a little giggle to myself as I thought about their poor husbands having to make their own sandwiches at home...

Then I thought that I should stop being a sexist idiot and have some respect...

And then I had another giggle as I remembered that they are all lesbians anyway.

What a night.

[Raistlin]

Charles Kennedy walked into a bar... and therein lies the tragedy

[Raistlin]

How to cook the correct amount of pasta:

1. Pour out how much you think you need.

2. Wrong.

[Raistlin]

A Danish architect has revealed the designs for the final tower at the World Trade Center in New York.

Hopefully this one will incorporate a runway.

[Raistlin]

The chef at my local Chinese restaurant had a nasty fall at work, and was so badly injured he had to give up his job.

He'll never wok again.

[Raistlin]

Hi and welcome to hidden chair club.

Please find a seat

[Raistlin]

Scientists say they have observed habitual alcohol drinking among wild apes for the first time.

They've never been to my local Wetherspoons, then.

[Raistlin]

The British; The only English speaking nation that uses the word "Glass" as a verb.

[Raistlin]

Christopher Lee has died.

Until tonight.

[Raistlin]

I see Ron Moody has died.

"He's gone and kicked a bucket or two......."