Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Irony:

A distinguished University professor has had to resign his position because a few girls started crying over his remarks that girls in science are always crying.

[Raistlin]

This really fit blonde moved in next door last week so was compelled to introduce myself and ask her out, but she just called me a creepy cunt and stormed off.

I don't know why though, I was nothing but nice.

I even told her I loved the way her hair smelled when she's sleeping.

[Raistlin]

Following Christopher Lee's death, The Sun have wrote a full article about Dracula.

He didn't appear in The Mirror though.

[Raistlin]

It's a little known fact that Anne Boleyn actually had a brother called Tenpin...

[Raistlin]

Air crash investigation officers have finally found the reason for the recent Malaysian air disasters

"Pilots looking out for naked girls on top of Indonesian mountains"

[Raistlin]

There's an advert on TV about Alzheimer.

That's the first time I've

[Raistlin]

Driving home today, my wife was boasting about how good women are at multi-tasking, and how there's "No two things a man can do simultaneously that a woman can't".

I just sat there, scratching my balls as I reversed onto the driveway.

[Raistlin]

Nature is wonderful, I still marvel that the pretty flower belladonna can solve all your marriage problems.

[Raistlin]

I was really upset when I heard that Rolf Harris wrote that vile song in prison about his victims.

I can't find it on iTunes anywhere.

[Raistlin]

You know how when you stick a frog in a pot of water on low heat until it finally comes to a boil and kills the frog without it even knowing?

Now you know what marriage feels like.

[Raistlin]

Got arrested at Heathrow last week.

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

[Raistlin]

My wife brought a stray cat home for a pet, and now I have to spray the bitch with water every time it misbehaves.

Hopefully my wife learns her lesson and won't do it again after having to change her clothes so many times.

[Raistlin]

Dropping my trousers, I asked The Doctor to have a look at my itchy, stinking and weeping penis.

Anyway, I'm now banned from all Time Lord related events.

[Raistlin]

As I drove home from work today I hit a rabbit.

I keep one in the car for when I'm stressed.

[Raistlin]

The company I bought a sex doll off on the Internet tried to pull a fast one.

So I've sent it back with a letter saying, it's got a hole in it between the legs.

I might be a virgin, but I'm not stupid.

[Raistlin]

Police have made contact with one of the Moslem women who have fled to Syria to fight for Islamic State with their nine children.

She asked if she is still being paid her child benefit.

[Raistlin]

My boss fired me after I accidentally sent him a link to a porn video.

I wasn't surprised he was so angry. I have a daughter myself.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: It's almost certain now that Greece will move away from the Euro.

Just one question:

When they move away, where will they go to?

[Raistlin]

Rachel Dolezal.

Suspicions first arose when they found out she had a job.

[Raistlin]

My wife's parents are coming for Sunday dinner and I want to make a good impression.

So I'm going to make a nice joint.

Then, when I've smoked that, I'll cook them beans on toast

[Raistlin]

I told my new girlfriend that I have in between 10 and 15 million pounds in my bank account.

It's actually true, my balance is £37.

[Raistlin]

I was a bookkeeper for 10 years.

The local library wasn't happy about it

[Raistlin]

All this fuss and excitement over the release of the new book Grey... mind you I must admit I'm the same when the new Argos catalogue comes out .

[Raistlin]

Sorry I replaced your pepper-spray with silly-string.

But you've got to admit the surprised look on that mugger's face was priceless!

[Raistlin]

A picture of a British police officer helping an elderly man with his shopping has gone viral.

Americans are wondering at which point did the officer shoot and kill the old bastard.