Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

David Blaine is apparently gutted at the minute.

He has discovered his 44 day record of doing sod all in a box has been smashed by Michael Owen.

[Raistlin]

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

[Raistlin]

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

No, it's an illegal immigrant!

[Raistlin]

A stowaway has died after falling from a British Airways jet onto a shop's headquarters in south-west London.

Proof that not all illegal immigrants entering Britain land on their feet.

[Raistlin]

Happy Fathers Day to my dad, who played for England in the 1982 world cup, or may have been one of the trainers, mum's not sure

[Raistlin]

A man never really knows just how much he farts.

Until he spends 24 hours with a girl he likes.

[Raistlin]

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave and then enter your pin number

[Raistlin]

Who in the UK these days is earning so much money that they have the luxury of a day off on Saturday to attend an anti austerity rally?

[Raistlin]

As the new presenter of Top Gear, Chris Evans has said one of his co-presenters will be female.

In honour of this, the first Top Gear Challenge will be teaching her how to park

[Raistlin]

Today, Californians set a new record by getting 67 people on a surfboard at the same time.

It smashed the previous record set by 51 Ethiopians on a Ryvita.

[Raistlin]

Reports suggest that licking a toilet seat is more hygienic than biting your nails.

So why is everyone on the bus staring at me and my toilet seat?

[Raistlin]

Chinese Takeaway £24

Petrol to pick it up £2

Getting home and realising one of the useless twats have forgotten one of your containers

Riceless.

[Raistlin]

England have scored an own goal against Norway in the Women's World Cup.

Resulting in huge celebrations from the England bench, until it was explained to them.

[Raistlin]

Apple say there's no hard feelings giving into Taylor Swift's demand for royalties from their new streaming service.

They just can't guarantee that her iCloud account won't be hacked and nude photos of her won't be spread across the web

[Raistlin]

Sometimes I use big fancy words that I don't really know the meaning of to make myself sound,

photosynthesis.

[Raistlin]

An Irish terrorist group have given up in their attempt to emulate Islamic State by drowning prisoners in cages.

A hooded spokesperson said despite their best efforts the water ran through the bars quicker than they could pour it in.

[Raistlin]

I've just won a premature ejaculation competition.

Which is strange considering I didn't enter.

[Raistlin]

The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.

"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.

That finished badly.

[Raistlin]

Before I got married, I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

[Raistlin]

My Renaissance period furniture has at last arrived from France.

It shouldn't take long to get moved in, there's at least 20 North African delivery men here to unload it.

[Raistlin]

Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.

[Raistlin]

Having vowed never to go to another theme park, Alton Towers accident victim Leah Washington decided to have a day at the beach.

Using some of her compensation money, she treated herself to a complete new outfit for her trip - A big straw sun hat, a top of the range pair of RayBan sunglasses, a lovely flowery blouse, pink cotton shorts and a matching flip.

[Raistlin]

A single sperm holds over thirty megabytes of information.

My socks must be geniuses.

[Raistlin]

The Sat-Nav in my truck has been useless since I came back from Calais.

All it keeps saying is "Help me please, I'm stuck!", in a thick African accent.

[Raistlin]

The phone rang.

"Mr Hughes?"

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Mr Hughes, we need you to come and pick your son up from school."

"Oh, shit, what's he gone and done now?"

"Nothing, Mr Hughes. It's just that it's nearly midnight."